Life with Anxiety Attacks

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I have never made an official post about this- but I live with anxiety (panic) attacks. 

The panic attacks started during my teen years. At the time I didn't now about anxiety attacks, I simply assumed that I was either overly upset or just more emotional about things. I reasoned that this was probably just how I dealt with things. 

When I turned 18 and started college I first found out about anxiety attacks, also known as panic attacks. Because I knew so little about them, it often seemed that these college girls who suffered from panic attacks were "emotionally unstable" or just "seeking attention"- it didn't help that most of them came across as the more boy-crazy students. 

By God's grace I met a young lady in one of my classes (we will call her "Jane"). She quickly became one of my friends, and even after she left college we stayed in touch via email. During our email conversations the subject of anxiety attacks came up. Jane had suffered from them for years. This was amazing to me as she was not like the first girls I knew associated with anxiety/panic attacks. She was a sweet, godly, down to earth young lady. She had a stable relationship and was even soon to be married! 

As our conversations continued and she explained more about her anxiety attacks I began to understand that  the panic/anxiety attacks were NOT a "sin problem" like I had assumed and had been told by various people.  Even at this time though, I didn't realize that I too was suffering from occasional attacks. 

Fast forward to the time I turned 21. I was in a relationship with Justin by this point. One night while we were on the phone discussing a problem I was dealing with, an anxiety attack started. Justin knew what they were and helped me calm down over the phone. The next day when he called he talked to me and asked if I was feeling ok after my "panic attack". 

I was so confused and asked him to explain... 

Long story short after he explained and some internet searches and more emails to my friend I realized I did in fact suffer from anxiety attacks. 

At first I was SO EMBARRASSED. I couldn't be like one of those "unstable" girls! I assumed it was JUST worrying. But even while trying to conquer my worrying it didn't change my anxiety attacks. I went to counseling, memorized verses on trusting the Lord, and so on. 

Jane and Justin helped me work through most of this with such patience and understanding. It wasn't until after I was married that I finally was able to accept that I was getting anxiety attacks and that it was ok- it wasn't a sin problem. 

As I have grown older, my anxiety attacks have gotten more frequent and worse. 

 I did find out that PCOS can also make them worse. Anxiety attacks are not merely a medical problem, or just a worrying problem... for me it is a horrible and toxic blend of many issues. 

My anxiety attacks are triggered by fear about something new/something I don't understand, by stress, lack of sleep, unable to sleep, by feeling like I have failed someone's expectations about me, the room being too warm, and occasionally being around people I feel uncomfortable/nervous around. I have had attacks out of the blue, I can be thinking about ice cream and have a random attack! 

If you do not know what an anxiety attack is- let me describe it for you. 

Your heart rate which was beating normally a few seconds ago suddenly escalates, your breath is harder to catch, you feel a strong desire to run out of the room you are in. You feel like something is threatening your very existence. Thoughts become irrational. Nothing makes sense. A terrible sense of fear sets in. It turns into a struggle to regain control.

"Sufferers of panic attacks often report a fear or sense of dying, "going crazy," or experiencing a heart attack or "flashing vision," feeling faint or nauseated, a numb sensation throughout the body, heavy breathing (and almost always, hyperventilation), or losing control of themselves. Some people also suffer from tunnel vision, mostly due to blood flow leaving the head to more critical parts of the body in defense. These feelings may provoke a strong urge to escape or flee the place where the attack began (a consequence of the sympathetic "fight-or-flight response") in which the hormone which causes this response is released in significant amounts. This response floods the body with hormones, particularly epinephrine (adrenaline), that aid it in defending against harm." -Wikipedia 

Justin is very helpful when I get an attack. 

We are working on any spiritual or emotional issues that are triggering my attacks. 

We have figured out some things that help me calm down, and usually it can be over within an hour. 

We have also started to talk to doctors, just due to how often I get them. 

Writing about my anxiety attacks is not easy, but I want to help people who also struggle with these attacks- I also want to help them realize that attacks do not make you inferior or weak, and to help others understand that this is not a "sin" problem.  

If you would like to know more here are some links that Justin and I found helpful..

How to Identify a Panic Attack

How to Handle a Panic Attack

How to Help Someone Having a Panic Attack

How to Care for Someone With an Anxiety Disorder

God bless, 

~Rebecca

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Health Update- Anxiety

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Some of you might recall my post on my Anxiety and panic attacks, 

well we finally went to see a doctor about them last week. 

After meeting with the doctor and talking to him for awhile he came to the conclusion that I have been experiencing panic attacks caused by Anxiety Disorder and mild Agoraphobia. 

He presented me with a few options to help me deal with these problems I am facing, and gave hope that the panic attacks could definitely be lessened considerably. To me this would be wonderful!

About the Agoraphobia, what I personally am dealing with-
Agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances). Agoraphobia is often, but not always, compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public.
Agoraphobia is also defined as "a fear, sometimes terrifying, by those who have experienced one or more panic attacks". In these cases, the sufferer is fearful of a particular place because they have experienced a panic attack at the same location in a previous time. Fearing the onset of another panic attack, the sufferer is fearful or even avoids the location.
It is not uncommon for agoraphobics to also suffer from temporary separation anxiety disorder when certain other individuals of the household depart from the residence temporarily, such as a parent or spouse, or when the agoraphobic is left home alone. Such temporary conditions can result in an increase in anxiety or a panic attack.
  ~wiki

I do not have to deal with panic attacks from wide, open spaces- but crowds and traveling has definitely done it to me. I have had panic attacks at certain places and I to this day avoid them. Why? I am TERRIFIED I will have another panic attack/someone will see me have a panic attack.




I highly encourage you to watch this video if you would like to know more and understand what Anxiety is like.  She begins describing the symptoms at 3:33.


I greatly appreciate all your prayers as I start this journey to hopefully end or at least lessen my anxiety.
Thankyou!
~Rebecca

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An Honest Post About My Struggle With Anxiety Disorder

I prefer not to do very serious posts, but I feel compelled to write.

I was recently with some people who were getting into a heated debate and I asked them to please stop, since arguing/raised voices/yelling scares me greatly and WILL cause a panic attack. I was made fun of… Later on when I said I did not want to go to an event that had great potential for yelling and arguing I was told “oh come on-grow up” in a very annoyed tone.

People just don’t get it. Or don’t want to get it.

There are only two options, either I am lying when I say I struggle with Panic/anxiety disorder and agoraphobia or I am telling the truth. There is no other option. One must accept that I struggle with this disorder- that I CAN'T CONTROL, or I am the biggest liar they know.  

Living with panic/anxiety disorder is AWFUL. Living with the agoraphobia is almost worse. 

The agoraphobia causes me to have severe anxiety and panic attacks regarding certain places/situations. The agoraphobia makes it hard to leave my apartment, it makes it nearly impossible to go to church- it causes me to isolate myself. I only feel safe in my apartment. 

This is a miserable existence, and one I am trying to change. 

Church attendance has been the toughest. I had a very bad panic attack at our church last fall. I was literally on the floor in the kitchen area sobbing and hyperventilating- and terrified that someone would find me like that. I remember after the panic attack ended I thought to myself very calmly, "I NEVER want to come here ever again,"  

And since then I have only been to church a few times. 

Believe me, I have tried to go, with my health problems it has made it difficult. But even on the days I feel physically ok, I have been dressed and ready to go and have had a terrible panic attack as soon as I leave my home. Because panic attacks are so draining and cause me to feel incredibly sick, that usually is the final straw that breaks the camel's back. 

I cannot describe to you how many times my husband has left me to go to church, and I am sobbing because my anxiety won. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt like the worst Christian on the face of this planet because of this problem. 

So, when people think I am faking/lying it really frustrates me. 

You DON'T KNOW what I am going through. You DON'T KNOW what it feels like to have all the walls closing in on you, you DON'T KNOW what it's like to feel trapped, in danger and the intense need to escape the situation- when you are SITTING in a building. You DON'T KNOW how sick a panic attack can make me. You DON'T KNOW what it feels like to question whether something is wrong with you and if people secretly hate you. You DON'T KNOW what it's like to have people tell you that panic disorder is simply a "sin problem" and "you are just an emotional basketcase" 

I am trying to fight my anxieties, I honestly am...but it's hard. It's a battle I have to fight every single day. It's a battle that never seems to end, and severely limits my enjoyment in life. 

Every day I thank God for Justin, he has been such a constant comfort and a source of peace and safety. I know he does not look down on me when I have a panic attack, I know he tries to actively help me beat them. We have had small victories here and there, but it takes time. I want to give up and just retreat into my realm of isolation more and more. I feel like the biggest failure between my anxiety and my health problems-Things I cannot control. I am thankful Justin is there to pull me out of these dark times.

I feel compelled to write this for those out there who may also be struggling with anxiety. I know how you feel. 

hopefully my next post will not be so dreary...

with love, 

~Rebecca

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A Quick and Simple Guide to Anxiety Disorders

Comic created by M.R.Leach

I recently saw this comic strip on Tumblr and I really liked how concise and simply the artist explained about Anxiety. As someone who has dealt with people who don't understand or deny what anxiety is I really appreciate how clearly the artist explains it all! 

Love, Rebecca

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Thoughts on Motherhood

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As most of you know I grew up in a large family of ten. I have two sisters and five brothers. I am the oldest at 25 and the youngest is 7. Babies and children were my life. I knew how to care for a newborn at a young age, I helped potty train 4 children before I turned 20. I taught the youngest her letters, reading and more up until I got married and left home. 

After getting married I had a time of literal "freedom" and as much as I adore my siblings it was nice to not have to devote my time and energy to so many little people. I was in absolutely no rush to try to start a family with Justin. 

Fast forward two and a half years later and while I still am in no rush to have children- I do think I am getting closer to wanting to start our family. However- there is quite a few obstacles in my path. 

First off the idea of labor and actually giving birth is TERRIFYING to me. Absolutely and completely terrifying. (mom, how did you do it eight times???) My panic attacks and anxiety gets worse if I feel trapped by a situation and ummm yeah I don't think you can back out of giving birth when you are in labor!

The second problem is my anxiety- how would that affect me as a mom? I certainly don't want my children to ever see me having a panic attack. I also don't want that to affect how I react towards my children or influence decisions. 

The third problem is my health- I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Hashimoto's disease. The PCOS can cause difficulty getting pregnant and the Hashimoto's can cause miscarriages. So in my case not only will I have a hard time getting pregnant I will have a hard time staying pregnant. If I was to miscarry I don't know what toll that would take on me emotionally. I KNOW I am at a higher risk for miscarriage and I would feel like I killed my child. I don't think I could ever handle the guilt. 

Of course my back injury is currently playing a huge concern in all this too. Could my back even handle the burden of a pregnancy? How could I be a mom with a back injury? My back is still healing and I get occasional flare ups when the pain is incredibly bad. I won't be allowed to lift heavy things for a very long time. How does one avoid picking up their toddler??

I know I am still young and there is plenty of time to start a family, but I want to be able to enter that next step in life without crippling anxiety.

So yeah, that's been on my mind a lot lately. 

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It's That Lovely Time of Year?

Hello Readers! 

The snow is starting to melt, the birds are starting to sing and....

the stomach bugs are going around :( 

Yes, Justin and I had the stomach bug last week. It was a long and miserable week but we are both on the mend now. It is so nice to not have a fever, and to not be afraid to eat something as simple as dry toast! The photo above was during my turn with the fever. At least Justin and I retained our sense of humor. We got alot of snuggling in during the recovery and fever stages. We even watched The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh at 12am one night. That was fun.  :)

Now that we are mostly recovered we are starting spring cleaning. We have gotten nasty wood / wolf spiders in our apartment EVERY April since we moved in and let me tell you- those things are big, fast and creepy. This year we are trying to get ahead of those little stinkers and spray everywhere. I have found spiders IN MY BED more than once so I am super paranoid right now. I hope we can head them off. 

Last year I freaked out so bad after finding two on my blanket that I froze in fear. I literally could not move.  :(

I used to be ok with spiders but I dunno- after finding them in my bed.... nope. That is my sanctuary!! They can stay outside where they belong, thank you very much! 

***************************************

Good news: I have finally been able to start doing daily devotions again. I have struggled with devotions for a while now. It was a mixture of anxiety and feeling upset with my health problems. I don't feel ready yet to go into all the reasons that I had trouble- someday I will. Thankfully our very loving Pastor and his wife have made a huge difference in helping me get over the anxiety. I have done devotions everyday for 1 week with NO panic attacks which is a HUGE deal. Please pray I don't quit again / no anxiety. 

It is really hard for me to admit that I struggle with something as basic as devotions- But I feel I should be transparent about it. I'm just as human and flawed as anyone. Maybe this will be an encouragement to someone else. I certainly hope so! 

Love, Rebecca 

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Some Toothy Drama

 This is an x-ray of a broken tooth. 

It's my broken tooth 

😭

Several months ago while flossing I felt a sharp pain and to my horror a piece of my tooth had broken off. I have a lot of anxiety relating to dentists so I stupidly ignored this tooth problem, even when I was in severe pain.

Because it is a back molar the broken tooth is not visible when I smile or talk. This made it even easier to ignore.

Two weeks ago I had a bout of stabbing pain. The next morning I was pain free though so I went about my day and had my breakfast. I was actually surprised when I bit something hard while I was eating. It was the last bit of my tooth.

It had continued breaking bit by bit over time and now the crown is 95% gone. I finally confronted my anxiety and we went to the dentist. 

The Good:

The root of my tooth is not infected- yet. There is also no damage to neighboring teeth.

The Bad: 

Not enough tooth it left to save so it has to be pulled

The Ugly:

My wisdom teeth have to go too

😰

I have been avoiding this for years now. All four wisdom teeth have to go and I've known this since I was in high school. Because my bottom molars are sideways and impacted it's going to be harder to get them out.

I've been through two different tooth extraction surgeries in the past so I know what is coming and I'm dreading it. It goes beyond just anxiety for me because I KNOW what I'm in for. 

My frequent vomiting problem is going to complicate things unfortunately and now we have to decide when the surgery will be done and how this problem can be taken care of. I started crying in the consultation with the oral surgeon because he took the vomiting problem seriously and I was not expecting that at all. I feel like most people do not take this issue I have seriously even though it massively affects my life.  

Not looking forward to this.

Prayers are appreciated. 

Love, Rebecca

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Obsessions and Weird Habits

I don't know if these are all anxiety quirks of mine but I get a tendency once in a while to obsess over various thing or form weird habits. I'm pretty sure a lot of people have a particular quirk or odd habit that puzzles them too.

I love books and having full bookshelves. We have 7 bookshelves in our home with a wide variety of genres. I can be very particular about how my books are arranged on the book shelf, as I don't like the look of books just "thrown" on a shelf. I used to arrange my books strictly by height for the longest time, this habit started when I was a child. Now I organize them by genre and height.It's actually easier to find a book now because I know where to look.

I have to stop myself from constantly acquiring new plushies and stuffed animals. I love plushies very much. I find them cute and comforting. There are a few plushies I would never part with because they were gifts that meant a lot to me. When we moved last year I did get rid of several plushies and decided "no more plushies". No joke, I ended the year with 6 brand new ones. Oops.
I did start going through them again though so as long as I can keep getting rid of some every year I should be good! My husband does tell me that I will be a future plushie hoarder if I don't be careful.

 Indoor plants bring me so much joy. I just love seeing splashes of nature in my home. I can't go crazy with plants even if I wanted to though because I live with an adorable little plant murderer that can climb. Yup, my cat has killed a few plants on me. I only have so many high spots he can not reach to use so my plants stay to a minimum. I have at least two plants in every room of our home though. 

I like mint gum. I would marry mint gum if I could. Several years ago I discovered that cough drops could help with nausea and then I discovered mint gum also helped with it so I switched to gum. I break off a tiny bit of a stick of gum just to get the minty flavor. I can make a single stick of gum last for a couple days.

Hand Lotion is my BFF. When I was a teen my hands would get so dry they would crack and bleed, and it hurt so bad. I started using lotion and the skin cracking stopped. I hate for my hands to feel dry so I constantly use lotion. Just like the gum, it's not a lot of lotion. Just a tiny bit.

Now comes the weird one. I can not stand touching certain types of papers and cardboards. I have no idea why. If I touch a certain texture of paper my hands just feel wrong. It's textures like newspaper or paper money, and cardboards like pizza boxes. I can touch book and magazine paper fine. It's like reacting to seeing a creepy bug skitter across the floor- my brain just goes "ew, gross!"

And there you have it! A small glimpse into my brain. I know most people have some tiny ritual or obsession they do that they don't know why. I figure most of mine are like a kid's security blanket. It's a little comfort thing.

Love, Rebecca

(As a side note- I'm very aware of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and how devastating it is to those who suffer from it. I'm also highly aware or the fact that Hoarding is also an anxiety/OCD behavior. I have a couple people I love very much that struggle with OCD and/or hoarding. While this post is written in a light hearted tone I fully understand how serious these disorders can be and I'm aware that if given the chance I could follow the same path if my anxiety were to go unchecked)

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Anxiety Strikes Again :(

Hello readers! 

I hope your week has been going fairly well. We got a tiny bit of snow yesterday! How crazy is that??

So I have a prayer request to ask of my dear readers- I have no idea why exactly but my anxiety has been really bad lately. It's exhausting and discouraging. There is just so much on my mind, plus I am dealing with some personal problems. I hate being this anxious. Sometimes I just feel so panicked and I have no clue why. 

Thankyou! I love you all! ~Rebecca

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Torn Wings

I found this Zebra Swallowtail Butterfly near my apartment last week. I was so excited to see her fluttering around and tried to snap a photo before she flew away. I only captured one photo, and it was not even a very good quality photo. 

When I later uploaded the photo to my computer and enlarged it I was SHOCKED to see the huge tears in her wings.While I was trying to photograph this butterfly I had never noticed the wing tear, I was far too excited to see a big beautiful butterfly. 

I debated whether to keep the photo or delete it. The photo is poor quality and the butterfly is far from perfect. I started to wonder what awful circumstance had damaged her fragile wings...and then I started thinking about the fact that she was alive, flying and feeding. The more I stared at the picture I started thinking...I am like this butterfly.

I have been through a lot in life, I have been "damaged" by situations. I still have scars from my past, and struggles I have to face everyday. I have my health problems, my anxiety disorder...in many ways my "wings" are definitely torn. 

So many times I want to give up. The pain, the depression, the anxiety -it overwhelms me. I keep trudging along, seeking answers and trying to heal. 

I hope, that just like I was excited and entranced by this beautiful butterfly, that people see me first for my good qualities, my character...and not initially my "scars".

When I chose the name for this blog, I had no special reason to pick "Butterfly Days" other than the fact that I LOVED butterflies and I like decorating with butterfly themed items and pictures. As I have continued to blog about my struggles I am glad I chose that title. Butterflies are a common symbol of hope. They go through a beautiful transformation process from caterpillar to a butterfly. They go through a complete and total change in their lifetime. 

I don't know what God has planned for me, I often ask Him, "Why do I have to be sick? Why do things have to be so hard? Why did you allow that circumstance in my past?" 

It is hard to maintain hope. But I am trying. I am thankful that I saw that butterfly. I am thankful that I was able to capture that picture.

And I am thankful for all of your prayers! 

Love, 

~Rebecca

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Social Distancing Life

Hi everybody!

Life got really weird really fast, didn't it? As of this past Monday our state is in a shutdown, with essential workers only. Some businesses are complying... some are not (Looking at you Hobby Lobby) It's definitely soul crushing to see wealthy corporations and their owners putting profit above people. It's even more disappointing when they use God as an excuse to not take care of their employees HOBBY LOBBY. 

Before I get too upset I'll move on. My husband has been able to work from home, which I am so thankful for. His daily commute was an hour to work and an hour back. He has had a few problems with the programs randomly freezing but hopefully they can get that resolved. The literal only downside to him working from home has been that my artwork desk has been commandeered by his equipment. I was in a painting groove so it does suck a tiny bit. I'd rather have him safe at home though. 

I will definitely have to make a future post about getting back into art. I've made quite a few pieces in the past 6 months. I think my perfectionist tendencies were a big reason I stopped making art. One of my sisters is a professional artist and I think I was seeing her work as so mind-blowingly good that there was no reason for me to do art. I now realize that was a dumb mindset. 

We've been keeping in touch via groupchat with family. Video calls often get interesting once we start playing with filters (my dad loves them!) It is hard not being able to go visit my parents, my siblings, my niece and nephews and my grandparents. Same goes for Justin's side of the family. I'm so glad video calls and instant messaging exist. This pandemic is horrible and scary but at least we have ways to keep in touch with one another.

I hope you all are staying safe. This is definitely a life changing experience. I don't think things will ever return back to what we knew as "normal". Life is going to change for everyone. We will start seeing cases of extreme germaphobia, anxiety about illness, anxiety about having to go to the doctor or hospitals. Some people will develop agoraphobia or obsessive/compulsive behaviors. This pandemic is going to cause collective trauma and PTSD for people. It's going to affect our economy in the way we work and the way we behave. 

I hope for positive changes too. There is so much potential for positive changes. New advances in sanitation and medical tech and science are going to happen. Schools, businesses and churches could start figuring out ways to continue being more accessible for invalids or people who can not leave their home for other reasons. There has definitely been positive changes with levels of pollution being lowered around the world. 

COVID19 absolutely stinks. Its horrible, its killing people, leaving some survivors with permanent tissue damage, ravaging life and family. I desperately want to believe good things will happen because of this nightmare we are in. I hope it does. 

Before I forget, please keep in mind all the children and adults who are stuck in quarantine with their abusers right now. There is going to be a massive uptick of children suffering fatal injuries and adults being injured by those they are now essentially trapped with. Check in on people you know that could be at risk. Call emergency services if you suspect abuse. Click here for more info

Please, please stay safe everyone. We can and we will get through this together. Check in on your elderly neighbors, don't hoard supplies, support your local essential workers and healthcare professionals. Wash your hands. Be kind and patient ❤

Love, Rebecca

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Being Authentically Me

  I think I've decided to take this blog into a new direction. I've pretty much avoided writing any opinion or thought provoking posts on my blog due to not wanting to attract negative attention or "expose" my honest feelings on topics to my friends and family. There is also the fact that my personal opinions are subject to change and grow and I don't want to have something I wrote ages ago be bashed over my head, especially if my thoughts have since changed.

Maybe these feelings are coming about because of recent birthday. Turning 29 has hit me. I'm truly not a child anymore. I still think of myself as an idiot 16 year old though. I lack a lot of confidence in who I am and what I am. My mom was pregnant with baby #3 by 29, while I'm an anxious pile of person that struggles to accomplish basic adult responsibilities (still not driving)

 I know I'm not the only 29 year old to struggle with feeling lost in life, I remind myself of this often. People who look like they have it together are just that- they LOOK like they have it together. I probably look way more competent than I feel.

Struggling with anxiety and panic attacks definitely adds to my feelings of inadequacy and failure. I've been seeing a therapist once a month and it's been very nice. It's great to be able to talk things out or just complain without judgement. All joking aside, it has been very good for me. It has helped me understand my anxiety problems and why I have them in the first place. I still get panic attacks but I can recognize what's happening much quicker and decrease the length of the attack. That's  very nice.

Well, here's to my last year in my 20s

Love, Rebecca

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The Very Long, Horrible, No-good Week

I woke up on December 26th last week (Monday) ready to enjoy my husband's day off and our new Christmas goodies. I was feeling very tired from the weekend's festivities but I chalked it up to over exerting myself. 

Boy, was I wrong. 

By the evening of the 26th I was feeling worse and eventually things progressed to what I thought was 24 hour a stomach bug. My family had been struck by the bug just a few days before Christmas so I wasn't very surprised that I had caught it too. Just give it some time and by Wednesday I should be feeling right as rain!

Wishful thinking...

By Wednesday I was getting worse and started to be unable to keep even water down. Around 6pm a very sharp pain began in my lower left side of my back. "A Kidney stone? Now? During a stomach bug??"

Fast forward to 2am On Thursday and I was laying in a stretcher in the Emergency Room with an IV and anti-nausea medication. I had been continually throwing up water for hours. I was released at 5am with pain and anti-nausea meds and promptly went home and slept. 

I greeted Thursday evening with a little more hope when I finally woke. I took my anti-nausea meds and tried to drink some water. It didn't go so well. The anti-nausea medicine was increasing my nausea. 

Friday morning rolls around and by 8am we are back at the Emergency room by my doctor's request. I was given a CAT-scan and a different anti-nausea prescription. The CAT-scan confirmed that I did indeed have a kidney stone on the move. It should only take a couple days to pass. By noon time I was back home, exhausted and tearful. This week just would not end! 

I should also stress how insanely hungry I was by this point. The last time I had eaten and kept down a meal was Christmas. It had been five days since a meal and I was MISERABLE. It didn't help matters that my new anti-nausea medication was making me unbearable paranoid and panicky. By Friday evening I was a big blubbering mess of anxiety, exhaustion and just plain wanting to enjoy a single cracker! I nibbled a corner of a cracker and went to bed.

Saturday morning we attempted a cracker. It was TERRIFYING waiting to see if it would stay down. But regardless of the anxiety I was successful at keeping down 4 crackers. Four wonderful crackers. 

 By this point my life was mostly sleeping, puking, crying and taking hot baths. Now I could add nibbling on a cracker to my routine. 

Yesterday I was finally able to have a proper meal of plain buttered pasta. It's amazing how delicious the blandest of food are when you haven't eaten in almost a week. I had a small buttered pancake, a handful of nuts and raisins and a glass of milk!! 

I think I'm officially in recovery mode now. I'm pretty sure the kidney stone passed and the stomach bug is over. Now to gradually recuperate and increase food intake till we can have the steak dinner my husband promised me in the darkest moments of this past week. 

Speaking of my husband, he is a saint. He has been my rock during all the crying, puking, nausea, panic attacks and emotional distress. I don't know how he managed to put on a smile when I know how badly it was tearing him up inside seeing me in such awful pain. 

Also, a great big thank you goes to my family, my husband's family and our friends for all their prayers, encouragements and kind messages checking up on me. 

My Christmas posts will be coming eventually, in the meantime, Happy New Year! 

Love, Rebecca

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July

Hello everyone!

Its been about a month now since my broken tooth was removed. It is SO NICE to not have constant pain in my face. You don't realize how much your teeth not hurting is awesome until you get an infection. I wish I had dealt with this tooth much sooner. Stupid anxiety made me wait. Ugh.

When I went for the surgery things had changed from the original plan of getting my wisdom teeth out as well. Our insurance wouldn't cover a heavy chunk of the costs leaving us $4,000 to pay ourselves.

😱

So after much discussion with my husband and my self we opted to just forget the wisdom teeth, forget the implant and just get this painful, infected, awful mess out of my mouth.

The procedure went okay. I had Novocaine and Nitrous Oxide (laughing gas). The Novocaine was brutal. The surgeon explained that the infection was making the Novocaine hurt more. The Dr. and the nurse were very comforting and patient.

Once the novicaine set in I didn't feel anything. Even though I was kind of out of it from the Nitrous I did know when the tooth was out and boy was that relieving.

Healing took a couple weeks, it was rough the first few days with the pain and swelling. I was more anxious than normal because I was in pain.

I am sad I lost a tooth but now that it's all said and done I'm glad it is out. It is behind my canine tooth so the gap is mostly hidden.

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My laptop keyboard decided to partially die on me a couple weeks ago so I had to get creative and partially write this on my phone and a Bluetooth keyboard. So fun 😬

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Christmas Eve - Barker Family Reunion

Christmas Eve is the time of year when my husband's family has their annual family reunion. There were so many babies to meet this year! The photo above is only HALF of the people that were at my in-law's home! It was packed, crazy and very fun! 

My mother-in-law with her nephew's son.
 (is that called a "Grand Nephew"??)

Justin's uncle and one of his granddaughters

She was a big bundle of endless energy!

Shadow getting some loving!

One of the little ones reading so cutely! 

Just some of the chaos!

My mother-in-law holding one of the newer members of this huge family. 

Justin playing Revolution with some cousins

Grandma and Poppa

Andrea with her first child, one of the 6 new little ones that joined the family this year, I got to hold him too! He is so tiny and cute.

Becky with her first child. She loves to play with my mom-in-law!

The "David Barker" side of the family

Uncle Dave and Aunt Marianne's grandkids with Uncle Dave's parents.

All the mommies taking the photos!

The Muzyka side with Grandma and Poppa

Grandma and Poppa with their children and son and daughters in law.

Grandma and Poppa had three kids and now have over 20 great grandkids!! How crazy is that?

Uncle Dave and Aunt Marianne. Uncle Dave recently became the new pastor of our church. He and his wife have been a huge blessing to me with helping me deal with some of my struggles and my anxiety disorder.

Uncle Dave and Aunt Marianne's family (that still live at home)

Four of the new babies with their mommas. All so precious and incredibly cute!

My in-laws with the grandparents

With my darling husband.

Ivy wants to play with her cousin!

So many little kids!

Towards the end of the evening we played the annual "Newly wed/ Oldly Wed Game" the single young adults make up questions for the married couples and the spouses have to answer separately. The couple who has the most same answers wins.

Some of the questions had hilarious answers!
One question was "Where was the oddest place you have ever kissed?" Some of the answers were quite funny.

A big thanks to these lovely ladies for organizing the game!

So cute!

Grandma and Poppa had the funniest answers and kept ribbing each other the whole time.

We went home shortly after the game ended and got ready for Christmas Day.

Some of the Christmas movies we watched this year were Jingle All The Way, Home Alone 2, I'll be Home for Christmas and Peter Pan (2003 version) We didn't get to watch Muppet's Christmas Carol so I will have to try to watch that soon! It's one of my favorites

What are you favorite Christmas movies??

Love, Rebecca

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