Finding Me

Growing up in a large family as the oldest child requires a lot more than you might realize. I absolutely love my siblings and I find them all so unique and amazing. Now that most of them are teens chatting with them is so rewarding. I love seeing their talents and personalities blossom. I am beyond blessed to know them and love them.

That being said growing up in a large family did have some challenges, especially with such a large age gap between myself and the 5 youngest ones. As a teen my sense of self, my entire identity was wrapped up in being the big sister. I was the oldest, the responsible one, and the leader.

With 5 young kids all under 10 years old during my teens I kind of was swept away in the daily routines and chores. Life centered around getting stuff done and keeping the household afloat. There were diapers to change, food to cook and laundry to fold. It didn't help that all this was during the Great Recession  which came with its own challenges on our family. Combining the stress of a couple little ones potty-training or in diapers, going through my high school education, my mother being in a second car accident (which compounded her chronic back injury) and dealing with the unforgiving nature of the recession (which included my dad getting laid off) it was a trying time. 

When I got married in 2011 and moved out from the home things were changing. The recession was ending, my dad had been in a new job for a while and life calmed down. The kids were older and the youngest was in Kindergarten.

Even with the bliss of married life I was still struggling. I had no identity beyond being a big sister and a second mom. My interests, my tastes, even my hobbies centered around that family unit. I did somethings on my own as a teen and young adult but not near this level of freedom. I wasn't used to complete solitude for 8+ hours every single day. I was used to the chaos and noise of my family.

Now here I was thrust into married adulthood and boy was I lost. I had never experienced such a level of independence before or of not having to answer to an authoritative figure or spend time caring for a toddler. I wasn't required to "answer to" my spouse because we were equal partners. My opinions mattered as much as his. I could say no to things. I wasn't used to that. I wasn't used to making my own choices with a partner. It was weird and I didn't know how to handle it.

I would get so anxious expressing my opinions or arguing against or for something. I was waiting to get in trouble for being obstinate or stubborn. I didn't though. I wasn't in a parent/child relationship anymore. I was in an equal married one. I could say how I felt about things. 

Over the years I've journeyed into finding who I am. I know it is so "cliche" but I literally didn't know me. I began to find my own tastes in movies, music, topics, hobbies and likes. I started to learn how to be a wife. Not just “being a wife” but specifically Justin's wife. We learned how to communicate to each other and love each other.  

I also learned that I really suck at adulting. I don't like some of it. I've also realized that for all the blustering and pomp every other adult is “winging it” just like we do. What is adulting? Who knows! 😂 

Its okay that I feel lost in it all. I don't need to be perfect and know everything RIGHT NOW. I feel more confident now at 29 than I did at 21 or 24 or 26 and so on. I'm still lousy at this adulthood business but at least I'm not alone and figuring it all out with my husband is great.

Long story short? You aren't going to figure out life in your 20s, and that's okay. It's very rare that anyone does. Take your time and learn how to just be you.

Love, Rebecca

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I Tried

Last week I started writing a big ol’ blog post for you all. I spent a couple hours typing my thoughts down, editing it and getting it just right. Once I was satisfied with what I had written I hit that faithful save icon… and my work vanished. I think you could hear my will to live shatter.

Apparently I made the mistake of typing my post on the memo pad app on my phone (which does not auto-save) and it was lost to the void forever. My husband tried to help me recover it but no luck. So when I scrape my inspiration up off the floor I'll re-write the darn thing. Might take a while.

In other news I'm still struggling with the passing of my in-laws dog Mason. It hurt the most going to their house and feeling the obvious lack of his presence. No wagging tail thumping loudly into the cabinets. No sad brown eyes. His favorite blanket gone.

I've cried a lot this week. My husband says my heart just has a very special spot for pets that is protective and sensitive. He isn't wrong. (I’ve cried over fish)

I know someday my own beloved cat will pass on and I've teared up about it since we got him. He's only 3 years old and while I hope he has a long and healthy life I know that might not be the case for him. To me Oliver isn't just a cat, he truly is my buddy. He’s my friend and companion. It's rare to fall asleep or wake without him by me. He is a very good boy and has a great personality. I would miss him a lot.

So for now I make sure to enjoy the furball while he is around. The pain of losing him will be a reminder that for a time he was here, he was my bud and he made a big impact on me.

Love Rebecca

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In Memory of One Grumpy Cat and Two Sweet Dogs

"Saying goodbye, Why is it sad?

Makes us remember the good times we've had...

You're in my heart

So until then...

It's time for saying goodbye."

-The Muppets

This post is going to be bittersweet to write. I'm filled with the wonderful memories of these beautiful animals, but also heart broken that they have since passed on. As painful as it is to say goodbye to our beloved pets I'm thankful that I had the privilege of loving them.

Over the past 6 months my in-law's senior pets all passed away. I wish animals never had to grow old.

 Nimbus was the first to go in November of 2017. Even though he was a grumpy old cat he was definitely spunky. He was 11 when he passed.

Nimbus had a lot of health issues as he had survived being hit by a car when he was young. You'd never know it to look at him. He was such a pretty tabby cat.

He had the loudest and most rumbly purr I've ever heard /felt from a cat! One of the last times I held him it was like trying to hold onto a jack hammer!

While he was definitely a grumpy old cat he had his own way of loving people he liked. It was always special when he meowed at me wanting to be pet. 

Two weeks after Nimbus passed 15 year old Shadow went as well. While it hurt to say goodbye we were a bit more prepared because of his advanced age. 

It was also hard because Shadow was part of the family when I met Justin. He was a staple to family events and moments. I had known and loved this pup for as long as I had known and loved Justin. Shadow was a beagle/husky mix but people always thought he was a collie.   

During his last year, even though he was deaf and going blind he was still a happy dog. His tail was always wagging.

I miss him a lot and I feel lucky to have gotten to know one of the sweetest dogs ever. I'm thankful he lived in relatively good health as long as he did. 

If you are wondering, yes the passing of Nimbus and Shadow was the biggest reason why I stopped blogging for a while. I didn't want to write about their passing because it was devastating that we lost them both within a couple weeks and right before Christmas. 

*********************************************************************

Now comes the really heart breaking one. 
Dear old Mason. 

Mason joined my in-laws' family last fall at the age of 9. He was a rescue dog that had been severely abused when he was young. He had been with  adopted by relatives of my in-laws years ago and they loved him fully. Unfortunately they were moving and could no longer care for him. So my in-laws took Mason into our family.

Mason was a Swiss Mountain Dog, He had the most adorable sad brown eyes.

How anyone could look at that lovely face and abuse him was beyond me.

Mason and I clicked right away. He felt like a kindred soul. He knew I'd give him a long back scratch when I'd visit so I often found him sitting by me waiting. I had never fallen in love with a pet that wasn't my own so quickly and so strongly like I did with Mason.  

This past Friday, Mason passed away in his sleep very unexpectedly. He had just turned 10 in February and was a healthy and happy dog. It was devastating and I'm still in shock. I had so much more love to give this good boy and now he is gone. I am so grateful I hung out with him two days prior to his passing. I gave him lots of pets and played with him. I still can't believe he is gone. 

Off to cuddle my cat and cry some more... 

~Rebecca

"In all thine hours of gladness, think on me.

If e'er I soothed thine sadness, think on me."

-Mary, Queen of Scots

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Obsessions and Weird Habits

I don't know if these are all anxiety quirks of mine but I get a tendency once in a while to obsess over various thing or form weird habits. I'm pretty sure a lot of people have a particular quirk or odd habit that puzzles them too.

I love books and having full bookshelves. We have 7 bookshelves in our home with a wide variety of genres. I can be very particular about how my books are arranged on the book shelf, as I don't like the look of books just "thrown" on a shelf. I used to arrange my books strictly by height for the longest time, this habit started when I was a child. Now I organize them by genre and height.It's actually easier to find a book now because I know where to look.

I have to stop myself from constantly acquiring new plushies and stuffed animals. I love plushies very much. I find them cute and comforting. There are a few plushies I would never part with because they were gifts that meant a lot to me. When we moved last year I did get rid of several plushies and decided "no more plushies". No joke, I ended the year with 6 brand new ones. Oops.
I did start going through them again though so as long as I can keep getting rid of some every year I should be good! My husband does tell me that I will be a future plushie hoarder if I don't be careful.

 Indoor plants bring me so much joy. I just love seeing splashes of nature in my home. I can't go crazy with plants even if I wanted to though because I live with an adorable little plant murderer that can climb. Yup, my cat has killed a few plants on me. I only have so many high spots he can not reach to use so my plants stay to a minimum. I have at least two plants in every room of our home though. 

I like mint gum. I would marry mint gum if I could. Several years ago I discovered that cough drops could help with nausea and then I discovered mint gum also helped with it so I switched to gum. I break off a tiny bit of a stick of gum just to get the minty flavor. I can make a single stick of gum last for a couple days.

Hand Lotion is my BFF. When I was a teen my hands would get so dry they would crack and bleed, and it hurt so bad. I started using lotion and the skin cracking stopped. I hate for my hands to feel dry so I constantly use lotion. Just like the gum, it's not a lot of lotion. Just a tiny bit.

Now comes the weird one. I can not stand touching certain types of papers and cardboards. I have no idea why. If I touch a certain texture of paper my hands just feel wrong. It's textures like newspaper or paper money, and cardboards like pizza boxes. I can touch book and magazine paper fine. It's like reacting to seeing a creepy bug skitter across the floor- my brain just goes "ew, gross!"

And there you have it! A small glimpse into my brain. I know most people have some tiny ritual or obsession they do that they don't know why. I figure most of mine are like a kid's security blanket. It's a little comfort thing.

Love, Rebecca

(As a side note- I'm very aware of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and how devastating it is to those who suffer from it. I'm also highly aware or the fact that Hoarding is also an anxiety/OCD behavior. I have a couple people I love very much that struggle with OCD and/or hoarding. While this post is written in a light hearted tone I fully understand how serious these disorders can be and I'm aware that if given the chance I could follow the same path if my anxiety were to go unchecked)

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