As most of you know I grew up in a large family of ten. I have two sisters and five brothers. I am the oldest at 25 and the youngest is 7. Babies and children were my life. I knew how to care for a newborn at a young age, I helped potty train 4 children before I turned 20. I taught the youngest her letters, reading and more up until I got married and left home.
After getting married I had a time of literal "freedom" and as much as I adore my siblings it was nice to not have to devote my time and energy to so many little people. I was in absolutely no rush to try to start a family with Justin.
Fast forward two and a half years later and while I still am in no rush to have children- I do think I am getting closer to wanting to start our family. However- there is quite a few obstacles in my path.
First off the idea of labor and actually giving birth is TERRIFYING to me. Absolutely and completely terrifying. (mom, how did you do it eight times???) My panic attacks and anxiety gets worse if I feel trapped by a situation and ummm yeah I don't think you can back out of giving birth when you are in labor!
The second problem is my anxiety- how would that affect me as a mom? I certainly don't want my children to ever see me having a panic attack. I also don't want that to affect how I react towards my children or influence decisions.
The third problem is my health- I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Hashimoto's disease. The PCOS can cause difficulty getting pregnant and the Hashimoto's can cause miscarriages. So in my case not only will I have a hard time getting pregnant I will have a hard time staying pregnant. If I was to miscarry I don't know what toll that would take on me emotionally. I KNOW I am at a higher risk for miscarriage and I would feel like I killed my child. I don't think I could ever handle the guilt.
Of course my back injury is currently playing a huge concern in all this too. Could my back even handle the burden of a pregnancy? How could I be a mom with a back injury? My back is still healing and I get occasional flare ups when the pain is incredibly bad. I won't be allowed to lift heavy things for a very long time. How does one avoid picking up their toddler??
I know I am still young and there is plenty of time to start a family, but I want to be able to enter that next step in life without crippling anxiety.
So yeah, that's been on my mind a lot lately.