As most of you know I grew up in a large family of ten. I have two sisters and five brothers. I am the oldest at 25 and the youngest is 7. Babies and children were my life. I knew how to care for a newborn at a young age, I helped potty train 4 children before I turned 20. I taught the youngest her letters, reading and more up until I got married and left home.
After getting married I had a time of literal "freedom" and as much as I adore my siblings it was nice to not have to devote my time and energy to so many little people. I was in absolutely no rush to try to start a family with Justin.
Fast forward two and a half years later and while I still am in no rush to have children- I do think I am getting closer to wanting to start our family. However- there is quite a few obstacles in my path.
First off the idea of labor and actually giving birth is TERRIFYING to me. Absolutely and completely terrifying. (mom, how did you do it eight times???) My panic attacks and anxiety gets worse if I feel trapped by a situation and ummm yeah I don't think you can back out of giving birth when you are in labor!
The second problem is my anxiety- how would that affect me as a mom? I certainly don't want my children to ever see me having a panic attack. I also don't want that to affect how I react towards my children or influence decisions.
The third problem is my health- I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Hashimoto's disease. The PCOS can cause difficulty getting pregnant and the Hashimoto's can cause miscarriages. So in my case not only will I have a hard time getting pregnant I will have a hard time staying pregnant. If I was to miscarry I don't know what toll that would take on me emotionally. I KNOW I am at a higher risk for miscarriage and I would feel like I killed my child. I don't think I could ever handle the guilt.
Of course my back injury is currently playing a huge concern in all this too. Could my back even handle the burden of a pregnancy? How could I be a mom with a back injury? My back is still healing and I get occasional flare ups when the pain is incredibly bad. I won't be allowed to lift heavy things for a very long time. How does one avoid picking up their toddler??
I know I am still young and there is plenty of time to start a family, but I want to be able to enter that next step in life without crippling anxiety.
So yeah, that's been on my mind a lot lately.
It's refreshing to hear someone be as circumspect as you are about motherhood. So many women (and I daresay Christians) are gung-ho about becoming moms NOW. We all need to use the intelligence and free will we've been given to make conscious and smart choices about when to have children and what kinds of parents we want to be.
ReplyDeleteI am not a parent, but like everyone, I was a child -- and I haven't forgotten a thing. My only advice would be to take your time. Your health and your relationship with your husband are the most important things right now. Do not let others overly influence you -- it's your life, your body, your decision. I wish you nothing but the best in your quest for good physical and emotional health.
We choose to wait before we got married but we had always planned to start trying by the time I turned 26. People aren't influencing me- just all the cute pictures of their babies are! lol. I know babies are a lot of work from experience but even I'm falling prey to those cutsey little baby feet. lol Thankyou for your kind words of encouragement!
DeleteI can't say anything to your first and second concerns, but as to the 3rd, have you considered Natural Family Planning (NFP)? I have PCOS as well and, though I'm a single woman, I use the Creighton Model (http://www.creightonmodel.com/) to monitor my health; it's a totally natural system that helps you know what's going on with your body. Before I started using the Creighton Model, I really felt like I was broken or that God had somehow not made me right, but I'm learning that I'm just a little differently made, not badly made. It's neat that one system can help me monitor my health now and later, when I'm married, help me achieve or avoid pregnancy. If you'd like to talk to someone who's using it, leave a message and I'd be happy to talk to you via email.
ReplyDeleteI have heard of NFP but never looked into it. Thankyou for the link I will have to check it out! :D I will try to message you.
DeleteWhoa! Sounds like there's a lot rolling around in your brain. I can see why you are worried about the future but the truth is that you can't know how things will unfold until you are there. For many women who have various auto-immune disorders, they actually IMPROVE while pregnant - remember that a baby is a foreign object and for many women the natural process of pregnancy, the process of "dealing" with that foreign object often improves their other immune conditions. Yes, PCOS can make it difficult to conceive, but often if it is treated this can be managed. One of the most important things with PCOS and fertility is managing weight which, although it is SO frustrating, IS something that you can keep in check even with your anxiety and pain (I'm not saying that it's always perfect, but that it's not something that is completely out of our control).
ReplyDeleteIf I remember correctly, you've blogged that your mom has struggled with illness in the past and has done a great job of mothering. She has set a great example for you of persevering despite challenges.
Everyone has their "stuff" on their plate. You will find balance between family and your anxiety and you will likely thrive! But, if your anxiety jumps ahead and tries to tackle challenges that are in your future while you are still figuring out how to manage today's struggles, you're going to be overwhelmed! One day at a time. :)
Hi Stephanie, Yeah sometimes I wish my brain could have a "mute" button. lol
DeleteMy mom has set a wonderful example with her health problems but I know I am not as tough a cookie as she is! If I ever could face my struggles with the same bravery and determination my mother does I would be very happy!
And YES one day at a time....I NEED to be told that every day lol. Thankyou for your kind and encouraging words <3
First, what your parents did in having 8 children is not required by you. You are 25, you have 20 years of fertility left (yes, that's right, you can safely have a baby at 45), so stop feeling the pressure to (re)produce. I don't know what your mom was thinking, but you don't have to think the same. Birth control is not evil. You are not your mother. Giving birth is different for every woman. If you're not ready, you already know that. And what role did your father play in this family life of yours? Did he not think for a moment that maybe eight children was just a little unfair on your mother or on YOU? Really, you need to think about how you want your own husband to treat you with his expectations of filling your womb over and over with children. Puh-leeze. And really, your mother made you teach your younger siblings? Wow. In my culture, they call that an unfit mother. If you didn't like being "that" mother, you won't want to be a mother to your own children.
ReplyDeleteSecond, your anxiety will likely change over time when you have less time to think about it. Whether it gets better or worse will be up to you, your situation, your support system, and whatever activities you take on. Exercise, medications, environment, hobbies -- all things about your lifestyle can be more easily changed now before you have children to raise. Explore your interests and if you don't have any, explore the interests of people you know.
Third, many women with PCOS can get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy. And miscarriages happen. Miscarriage is not killing your child. It's trying to bring them into the world. And if you are that concerned about miscarriage due to PCOS and Hashimoto's, adopt. There are so many children in this world who need parents.
There are many, many mothers with disabilities who manage to parent children. And it's okay to not want children even though (or in spite of) coming from a large family. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. I have a lot of thoughts about the damage large families do to their children, but am not at liberty to post it here. Just know that no one should expect things from you just because you are a married woman.
I hope you post this, but will understand if you don't. I just hope you read it.
Hi Karen,
DeleteActually my mother DID want a large family. She always wanted a full house of kids since she was a child. My dad was more reluctant about having a larger family. I know for a fact if she was ten years younger she would have another child in a heartbeat. My dad is the one who would try to talk her out of more kids lol.
I taught my younger siblings because my mother had been in a car accident and severely injured her back right before the youngest one started preschool. Since I was taking college at night I was able to help my mom out by handling the youngest's schooling for pre K to 1st grade and help out whenever she needed a break. I am VERY THANKFUL my mom made the sacrifice to homeschool us and I think that learning how to teach a kid to read before you turn 20 is a very good skill to have. I didn't mind being a help to my mom at all. I did enjoy not having to do so many loads of laundry a day or cooking so many meals or doing so many dishes when I got married. A large family is awesome but the chores can pile up!
I am on Birth control for my PCOS so I know it's not evil :)
Thankyou for your kind words about my PCOS and fears with miscarriage. I greatly appreciate that. Adoption is something my husband and I have discussed since before we even got married and before we knew about my health problems.
LOL- some people think all fundies are anti-birth control! My parents were not but still have a "large" family of 4 (with 2 miscarriages). My mom wanted 6 children.
ReplyDeleteYes, there are thousands of children who need homes but adoption is not always the "easy" option that people seem to think that it is. N all of the chilren in our foster care sytems are legally available for adoption and, by our laws, their birth parents can always come back making claims on them. They may not win, but they can cause you to spend even more $$ to keep your child after you already spent $10,000 to make legally yours. So adoption isn't really the "Oh, just adopt!" option people like to make it.
The important thing is that you are thinking all this out. You are looking at your options and your limitations. This makes you and Justin a good family already. So wether you decide to foster, adopt, bring a new life into the world, or just be a great aunt and uncle, you are already choosing a good path. I'm a middle-aged single and I have all these same conversations with myself. Should I foster or adopt a child/embyro, etc.? I think it is part of being human and female! PS- don't watch The Little Couple. You'll want to go out an get your own Will ASAP!
I work with someone who has PCOS and her baby is due next month. It didn't happen as soon as they would have liked, but it did happen in God's timing for them. If it is God's will for you to bear your own child, it will happen and you'll have peace about it.
Best to you and Justin!