Just returned home from getting the MRI done. We will receive the results by next week.
In the meantime- I am just going to get completely and brutally honest.
I feel like the worst wife ever.
And I hate those feelings.
But when you are bedridden, in severe pain- unable to dress, feed or wash yourself, life becomes very bleak. My husband has been an excellent nurse- but I want to start being a "couple" again. I want to be able to do stuff together, go on dates, etc.
Long story short, I miss living life. Right now I am just existing -and that's a miserable way to live. I want to enjoy the fall, go out with Justin, play with my bunny, start making Christmas gifts. I want to be able to sleep again - instead of sleeping long, weird or disjointed hours.
I miss blogging so much, I miss my photography. I have two girls on standby for their senior portraits but it looks like I am going to have to give it up.
I am lonely, tired, discouraged and worn out.
I know this just a raw post, and brutally honest. But this is my real life. I would love to paint a picture of bubbles and roses of a carefree newlywed wife, but it's not reality.
Your prayers are coveted. ~ Rebecca
I don't do prayers, but you are in my thoughts. I have been reading your blog since you visited FJ. I know, not a good place to start, but...I like you. I think you're a sweet woman with a wonderful life ahead of you. You're honest. I hate the idea of 'this too shall pass' because it does nothing NOW to help. But, I guess I'm just saying...know that even people who are different from you are thinking of you, cheering for you, understand - seriously and honestly understand - and are thinking of you. I hope for the best and keep waiting for the day 'you' come back out of all of this. I know you're there, and I have your blog in my feed so I can know and cheer! I know strangers don't solve problems, and lonliness is a beast all its own, but if you want to talk - just talk - to someone, let me know. Does our Google ID give our email? I don't know. If not, comment, we'll make it happen. Hang in there, Rebecca, I think you're stronger than you know.
ReplyDeleteAwww, sweet Rebecca! My prayers go out to you! Remember one of the most important things you said to your husband and he said to you on your wedding day was "in sickness and in health". Please don't feel badly about not being able to do what you want for him or with him. It is part of being married. In sickness and in health. You are both learning what that commitment means.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find a way to ease your loneliness through your online friends. Nap when you need to, accept help from anyone who can give it, and realize no one expects bubbles and roses from you. Don't be hard on yourself. You HURT and you need to focus on yourself.
Hugs to you! I hope your results come in faster than you'd hoped and that a diagnosis and treatment plan come quickly.
Praying for you Rebecca.
ReplyDeleteLife isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Icky times happen. Don't beat yourself up. If the situation were reversed, you'd be right there taking care of him. Chin up, buttercup (as we say here in the South). :-) Praying for you!
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