Growing up in a large family as the oldest child requires a lot more than you might realize. I absolutely love my siblings and I find them all so unique and amazing. Now that most of them are teens chatting with them is so rewarding. I love seeing their talents and personalities blossom. I am beyond blessed to know them and love them.
That being said growing up in a large family did have some challenges, especially with such a large age gap between myself and the 5 youngest ones. As a teen my sense of self, my entire identity was wrapped up in being the big sister. I was the oldest, the responsible one, and the leader.
With 5 young kids all under 10 years old during my teens I kind of was swept away in the daily routines and chores. Life centered around getting stuff done and keeping the household afloat. There were diapers to change, food to cook and laundry to fold. It didn't help that all this was during the Great Recession which came with its own challenges on our family. Combining the stress of a couple little ones potty-training or in diapers, going through my high school education, my mother being in a second car accident (which compounded her chronic back injury) and dealing with the unforgiving nature of the recession (which included my dad getting laid off) it was a trying time.
With 5 young kids all under 10 years old during my teens I kind of was swept away in the daily routines and chores. Life centered around getting stuff done and keeping the household afloat. There were diapers to change, food to cook and laundry to fold. It didn't help that all this was during the Great Recession which came with its own challenges on our family. Combining the stress of a couple little ones potty-training or in diapers, going through my high school education, my mother being in a second car accident (which compounded her chronic back injury) and dealing with the unforgiving nature of the recession (which included my dad getting laid off) it was a trying time.
When I got married in 2011 and moved out from the home things were changing. The recession was ending, my dad had been in a new job for a while and life calmed down. The kids were older and the youngest was in Kindergarten.
Even with the bliss of married life I was still struggling. I had no identity beyond being a big sister and a second mom. My interests, my tastes, even my hobbies centered around that family unit. I did somethings on my own as a teen and young adult but not near this level of freedom. I wasn't used to complete solitude for 8+ hours every single day. I was used to the chaos and noise of my family.
Even with the bliss of married life I was still struggling. I had no identity beyond being a big sister and a second mom. My interests, my tastes, even my hobbies centered around that family unit. I did somethings on my own as a teen and young adult but not near this level of freedom. I wasn't used to complete solitude for 8+ hours every single day. I was used to the chaos and noise of my family.
Now here I was thrust into married adulthood and boy was I lost. I had never experienced such a level of independence before or of not having to answer to an authoritative figure or spend time caring for a toddler. I wasn't required to "answer to" my spouse because we were equal partners. My opinions mattered as much as his. I could say no to things. I wasn't used to that. I wasn't used to making my own choices with a partner. It was weird and I didn't know how to handle it.
I would get so anxious expressing my opinions or arguing against or for something. I was waiting to get in trouble for being obstinate or stubborn. I didn't though. I wasn't in a parent/child relationship anymore. I was in an equal married one. I could say how I felt about things.
Over the years I've journeyed into finding who I am. I know it is so "cliche" but I literally didn't know me. I began to find my own tastes in movies, music, topics, hobbies and likes. I started to learn how to be a wife. Not just “being a wife” but specifically Justin's wife. We learned how to communicate to each other and love each other.
I also learned that I really suck at adulting. I don't like some of it. I've also realized that for all the blustering and pomp every other adult is “winging it” just like we do. What is adulting? Who knows! 😂
Its okay that I feel lost in it all. I don't need to be perfect and know everything RIGHT NOW. I feel more confident now at 29 than I did at 21 or 24 or 26 and so on. I'm still lousy at this adulthood business but at least I'm not alone and figuring it all out with my husband is great.
Long story short? You aren't going to figure out life in your 20s, and that's okay. It's very rare that anyone does. Take your time and learn how to just be you.
Love, Rebecca
Long story short? You aren't going to figure out life in your 20s, and that's okay. It's very rare that anyone does. Take your time and learn how to just be you.
Love, Rebecca
I think you are learning how the conservative Christian/patriarchal/homeschooling/large family movement your parents chose for you was abusive. There are SO many women your age that leave the lifestyle by marrying young and then, if their headship allows it, find their own voice and character. You are healing, there is no rush, and hopefully your hubby understands what you've been through. Most young women raised in such a household aren't allowed to seek a higher education so be glad you were, even though it was at a Bible college you may not have chosen for yourself. There is a lot of info online about the lifestyle, the rise and fall of men who led it (and those who still do), so I encourage you to read, read, read. You are not alone in how you were raised! There is a LOT of corruption in spiritual leadership.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really excellent post. I think it is very helpful to take some time after becoming "an adult" (whatever that means - I mean at an age of being able to move out and have a job, etc.) to figure out who we are and what we want, to develop the confidence that we can manage on our own. I realize that THAT choice isn't for everyone, however. I'm glad you are finding your way!
ReplyDeleteSuch an amazing and unique journey you’ve had- you have such great insight and reflection on your pathway through young adulthood. You are resilient! I think it speaks volumes about the strength of your marriage and the commitment you two have to each other that you have grown together through this period of life with so many changes.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Rebecca!
ReplyDeleteI think this happens to everyone who's life doesn't turn out the way we expected - whether we like it or not, we all have an idea of what our lives "should" look like and when they don't it's hard to adjust. I went through this about 5 years ago after my own illness knocked me down.
Learning to be yourself is super heard and adulating sometimes flat out sticks! Maybe we should all talk about that more so that it's not a secret....you just gave me an idea for a blog post of my own! Thank you!
:)
Lea