Back in November of last year, on the week of Thanksgiving I experienced what it was like to feel completely and totally unwanted.
A former close friend of mine, who had meant so very much to me ended our friendship. I wasn't able to write about it at the time because I honestly was bewildered.
The friendship was once very strong and our bond was close, but as time went on the contact between use decreased more and more until it stopped all together.
In an effort to figure out what on earth was going on, I ended up making things worse by trying to repair hurt feelings and she ended our friendship. She was not willing to go through the work of restoring things with me.
I couldn't understand why- I still can't
I was not worth it. All my time and energy put into her life was so easily tossed aside in a second. I meant nothing to her. Our friendship was not worth saving. I can only imagine that I valued her way more than she valued me for her to end it so easily.
I'm angry, at her but more so at myself. I let it happen again after all. Let another person hurt me after I trusted them. Why am I so foolish?
This whole experience has thrown me deeper into avoiding people and just making it even harder to try to go to church anytime soon. I have always struggled to trust people and right now even more so.
It's going to be a very long time before I can even attempt forming a new friendship with anyone.
I feel so unwanted. I know Justin loves me and her certainly wants me around, but then again he has taken the time and effort to get to know me and he discovered something that made me worth it to him.
I just feel like apart from my husband no one else really wants me around. When we get invited to parties, why bother going? No one will talk to me anyways. No one ever does. I have been mocked in public in front of 50 people for talking too much, so I can barely talk to anyone anymore without panicking that I will be made fun of again. We can barely have company over without me having panic attacks before they arrive and after they leave.
I worry that when Justin shows up everyone smiles but as soon as they see me they inwardly groan. Justin is less inclined to jump into sports or games if I am with him after all.
I worry that I ruin the fun for everyone else because I just am there. I don't feel wanted.
Oh Rebecca.
ReplyDeleteDear heart, you are to so very, very worth it!!!!!! You are hurting so much right now and I am so sorry for that. I will keep praying for you.
Have you ever tried exploring privately (in a journal, with Justin, etc.) why you have a hard time trusting people? It might give you some insight....
Long distance HUGS and many, many prayers,
Lea
Rebecca --
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are hurting over your friend. I have lost friends that meant a lot to me, too, and was left confounded, wondering what I did "wrong", wondering if I cared too much, if I'd misinterpreted the depth of our friendship. I think the best thing to remind yourself is that your friend might be going through things she doesn't think you would understand. Her reality is not yours and maybe someday you will know more about the demise of your friendship (she may come back later to explain). Relationships are tricky to navigate, especially around the time you might be experiencing life changes that don't coincide with your friends' -- marriage, babies, career, divorce, death of a loved one, illness. All huge stressors that can cause your relationships to be challenged. Try not to beat yourself up about what you did to lose this friend -- it might have nothing to do with YOU, it might have just been easier for her to not have to interact with you with something she's going through. Be patient and you will either eventually know or else you just won't care anymore. Hugs.
You sound like you are feeling so alone - isn't there anyone you can reach out to? What about your parents and family? You know they love and want you. This "no one wants me" stuff is just the depression talking. I'm sure there are many people that like you and would like to see you again.
ReplyDeleteI encourage you to find a therapist if you haven't already. There is no shame in it. None at all. It couldn't hurt to try. Your doctor could probably help you find a low cost counselor in your area if cost is an issue. Please try to reach out to someone, there is nothing worse than suffering alone.
I understand feeling not wanted. I wish you were near me in real life and we could be friends for sure! Actually, my 15 year old daughter is going thru that also and it is so hard. She is also really depressed and it's just difficult right now. I agree with Joann.....find a counselor. You might even find a Christian counselor. Thank you for sharing your struggles so that others don't feel so alone. Keep your faith!
ReplyDelete