Butterfly Days: January 2014

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My Photography in 2014

Hello readers,

This is going to be a very difficult post to write.

Due to my back and complications with medication causing me to feel tired all the time my photography is pretty much dead. I do not have the energy required to do photo shoots anymore.

It's been a very hard loss to accept, but I have managed up until recently. A young soon-to-be-married couple contacted me a month ago about doing their wedding and I had to turn it down. I have no idea what my health will be like in 6 months and honestly as a former bride I don't want this bride-to-be to have to find another photographer because I suddenly took ill or my back went out again. Not taking that job was emotionally draining. I love doing weddings and we could have really benefited from the money.

I'm not taking jobs anymore or promoting my photography business. I feel like it is dead and buried but my husband insists it is just resting and I will get back into it someday. I wish I could be so hopeful.

I haven't shut down my sites yet but I have been thinking about it. It's hard to photograph anything when you are stuck at home because you are sick.

I miss my photography so much.

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Monday, January 27, 2014

Unwanted

Back in November of last year, on the week of Thanksgiving I experienced what it was like to feel completely and totally unwanted.

A former close friend of mine, who had meant so very much to me ended our friendship. I wasn't able to write about it at the time because I honestly was bewildered.

The friendship was once very strong and our bond was close, but as time went on the contact between use decreased more and more until it stopped all together.

In an effort to figure out what on earth was going on, I ended up making things worse by trying to repair hurt feelings and she ended our friendship. She was not willing to go through the work of restoring things with me.

I couldn't understand why- I still can't

I was not worth it. All my time and energy put into her life was so easily tossed aside in a second. I meant nothing to her. Our friendship was not worth saving. I can only imagine that I valued her way more than she valued me for her to end it so easily.

I'm angry, at her but more so at myself. I let it happen again after all. Let another person hurt me after I trusted them. Why am I so foolish?

This whole experience has thrown me deeper into avoiding people and just making it even harder to try to go to church anytime soon. I have always struggled to trust people and right now even more so.

It's going to be a very long time before I can even attempt forming a new friendship with anyone.

I feel so unwanted. I know Justin loves me and her certainly wants me around, but then again he has taken the time and effort to get to know me and he discovered something that made me worth it to him.

I just feel like apart from my husband no one else really wants me around. When we get invited to parties, why bother going? No one will talk to me anyways. No one ever does. I have been mocked in public in front of 50 people for talking too much, so I can barely talk to anyone anymore without panicking that I will be made fun of again. We can barely have company over without me having panic attacks before they arrive and after they leave.

I worry that when Justin shows up everyone smiles but as soon as they see me they inwardly groan. Justin is less inclined to jump into sports or games if I am with him after all.

I worry that I ruin the fun for everyone else because I just am there. I don't feel wanted.

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Sorry...

Hello lovely readers,

I'm having a hard time lately about blogging. I don't know if it's merely writer's block, the fact that life is as boring and dreary as a rainy winter day or I'm just too depressed that hinders me from writing.

I do have ideas for posts but I'm worried that I might write too sad and be all depressing. I don't want to make anybody feel sad because of me!

Anyways, I may wait till I am feeling less depressed to write my planned posts. I have a book review, a post about my photography being affected by my health and about a circumstance with a loss in my life that's been hard to deal with. I really do want to write about the things that are less happy because so many of you offer such real and encouraging advice and I love that so much!

As to my wedding blog- I AM SO STUMPED. I have -no lie- over 10 draft posts that I cannot seem to finish. *sighhhhhhh*

I hope my lovely readers are having a great week, I miss hearing from you all!

By the way- Katy from Tales From The Little White House updated her blog about the birth of her second child!! Please go check it out and leave a comment! She has been sick for the past few days and I know she would LOVE a few messages to cheer her up! Being sick is no fun!

Also, if you are looking for a good give-a-way and review blog I highly recommend Life According to Lina!

Love, Rebecca

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Monday, January 20, 2014

New Look for a New Year

Hello readers!
I am so sorry for the lack of posts! To be honest nothing particularly interesting has been happening in my life at the moment. (I also might have gotten a new video game from Justin which I played obsessively for a week but shhhhhhh- you didn't hear that from me)

I did however get my hair cut and it is the shortest I have ever had it since I was 5 years old. I am having some ponytail withdrawal since it is incredibly hard to ponytail and I LOVE tying my hair up. I decided to get it cut short because I was getting so many headaches and my dr pretty much told me "no more ponytails!" Well that's all fine and good but I have incredibly thick and heavy hair! So I had to get a good portion cut off. Surprisingly enough my husband is totally in love with it being shorter which I wasn't expecting. He is such a sweetie!

My back has been doing ok, still occasional pain here and there but only from sitting up right for too long/standing for too long. I have been wanting to go to church but the chairs there are really not ideal and are uncomfortable. It's been frustrating because my anxiety has been low enough for me to try to go but now I have to deal with my back. grrrrrrrrrrrr. I can't win.

Alright my dear readers- I hope you have a great week and I hope I can be writing more!

Love, Rebecca

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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Winter Favorites!

Since it is winter and all I thought I'd share some of my favorite winter photos. These photographs were taken by some amazing and very talented photographers, click the links to see more photos in their online galleries!

Which photo was your favorite?

Happy Winter!
Love, Rebecca

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Monday, January 6, 2014

Christmas Lights

My last Christmas post! At the end of Christmas day my husband and I stopped by a park that is well known for their beautiful and extensive light displays.

Horse lights!!

Camels!
Can you see the other lights in the background? There are some swans and dinosaurs.

A beautiful tree at the pavillion

Justin at the concert hall

It was the perfect way to end Christmas day!

Love, Rebecca

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Saturday, January 4, 2014

Christmas Day!

On Christmas morning Justin made us some bacon, cinnamon rolls and roasted potatoes! It was so good! We exchanged gifts with each other afterwards. Justin gave me 4 books, a few gift cards and a VERY soft and fuzzy blanket!

I gave Justin a few books and a pocket knife :)
We later headed to my grandparents' home for Christmas lunch! I hope you enjoy the photos!