With Mother's day having come and gone I've had a lot of mixed emotions.
I do feel a bit of sadness and envy.
I am jealous of some couples' ability to start their family in an almost "care-free" manner- just a natural step in their relationship. The married couples I know are head-over-heels for each other and can't wait to share their overflowing love with all their precious little ones. When I say "care-free" I'm referring to some couples' ability to get pregnant without much concern or troubles.
If you have been readers of my blog for a while now you know that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Hashimoto's disease. PCOS affects the ability to get pregnant and stay pregnant, while Hashimoto's brings increased risk of miscarriages to the table. Justin and I have not pursued starting a family yet, but with my new little niece or nephew arriving in December the topic has come up again for us.
In August we will have been married for 4 years. I will be 27 next year. The thoughts of starting a family are becoming more prominent.
BUT- I'm scared.
Trying to start a family is going to be an exhausting and emotional journey for us. It's kinda hard to go into that knowing that I will probably have trouble getting pregnant, and then have trouble staying pregnant. I honestly have no interest in spending years with the emotional distress of not being able to get pregnant, and then spend months of worry if my body will carry a pregnancy full-term if I was ever fortunate enough to get pregnant. I know miscarriage is a common thing, but if getting pregnant was such a hard thing to accomplish in the first place-imagine just how awful it would be to lose the baby afterwards. And with knowing full well that I do have an increased risk of miscarriage the guilt I would feel if I lost my baby would be guilt-ridden. A common thought I struggle with is "Can I truly pursue pregnancy knowing that my body could very well kill my child?"
I do know several women who have had troubles with pregnancy and they are a HUGE encouragement to me. I love them all. I grieved with them during their miscarriages, and rejoiced with them when they FINALLY brought home that precious little one.
If you were blessed with easy conceptions and good pregnancies take a moment and just thank the Lord- and say a little prayer for your sisters who aren't so fortunate.
I know motherhood is a rough task and all of you ladies are AMAZING. I'm thankful for my mom, for my mother-in-law and all the other ladies in my life who have loved me in a motherly way. As the oldest child on 8 kids I have seen how demanding motherhood is and I have a great appreciation for the sacrifices so many people have made.
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I absolutely do not think that fertility issues or miscarriage are shameful. I know some people think it should be hush-hush and not talked about. But honestly that is kind of dumb. I've been scolded by some ladies for talking about my health problems. I don't think I should be embarrassed- so I won't be. I have found so many amazing women because I've talked about my PCOS and Hashimoto's.
If you are struggling with similiar problems- please know you aren't alone.
Love,
Rebecca
Oh, Rebecca! Don't let anyone try to tell you what THEIR expectations are for YOUR personal life, including becoming parents! It is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! And your health conditions aren't their business either, unless you choose to share them, so being judged by them is just cruel and obtuse. I didn't have my first baby until I was married 4.5 years (and I was 34, so an "old" lady!) and boy didn't we hear it from all sorts of people who thought we'd never have children (and they said it in a shaming way, too). Having children or trying to is a very personal choice. Personally, I would have HATED being pregnant so soon after my wedding (your SIL comes to mind here). I wanted to spend time with my husband as a couple, learning how to live with him without knowing our alone time was going to be so short. We did some traveling and developed our careers and built a house -- all things that were very important to me in order to bring a child into the world. Everyone's goals are different.
ReplyDeleteWhen and if it comes time (and I think you will know), you might suffer some losses due to your health conditions. But there are plenty of docs out there that can give you great chances when you are ready. For now, enjoy being childless and spending great times with just your hubby (I really treasured those years with mine). I know I would have hated being the oldest of 8 and would revel in the relative quiet of your home with your hubby. I'm sure I'll get some backlash for saying that! Large families and small children aren't for everyone, even if you could have as many as "God will give you". Sigh.
Hang in there. Enjoy being an aunt and it's okay to be glad it's not you. LOL.
Thanks Karen for all your thoughts and kind words. My SIL and brother wanted to start a family right away and I'm so happy for them!
DeleteI am very much enjoying all this time with Justin, I know that it is a huge treasure that I should never take for granted.
After being the oldest of 8 kids I wasn't in a rush to have children of my own right away. But now that some time has passed I feel the "baby fever" starting lol.
Thanks again
Hi Rebecca! I'm with you on the "talking about these things is HEALTHY" -- keeping them inside only makes the fear grow and causes shame where there should be NONE - these conditions aren't your fault. Many women with auto-immune conditions actually find that pregnancy is a period of time that they find they are healthier and feel better. You certainly may have trouble conceiving but, you may NOT have trouble and you may actually find that as your body adjusts to a foreign object (the baby!), that you, overall, feel better (morning sickness notwithstanding). Managing the guilt of miscarriages is an important topic -- and having a good support system is vital. It sounds like you are the kind of person to do the right things during pregnancy (like not smoke, drink, follow orders regarding vitamins, healthy diet, etc) and it's important to recognize that sometimes these things are just out of our control. Try to keep the fear out of the drivers' seat in this decision-making process -- plant yourself firmly behind that wheel, throw that fear in the trunk and drive on, sister!
ReplyDeleteThankyou Stephanie! I'm so glad you like talking things out too! I hate the "shhh can't talk about this" mentality. We are all human and we all have problems!
DeleteThanks for your kind words and encouragement- it means alot!
I will second Stephanie's comments that auto-immune conditions often do improve/show remission during pregnancy. A woman with Hashimoto's who showed considerable improvement during pregnancy was actually the first I learned of this, but is true for other auto-immunne diseases, like lupus, too. As to PCOS, some women never know they have it and don't have significant trouble conceiving. I have a co-worker who has PCOS who has some difficulty (as in it took longer than she wanted) conceiving the first child, but #2 was a surprise and will arrive before #1 is two. While I am on board with you being knowledeable about the worse case scenario (I hate when people refuse to be realistic!!), there is also a chance that worse case won't be your case.
ReplyDeleteThat said, if you aren't ready/aren't sure, don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You know your limitations, what you and Justin will be able to handle. Pregnancy might not be for you. Parenting might not be either. But I really do understand, when you want to be a parent, how hard it is to see others getting pregnant easily. {{{{Hugs.}}}}}
Hugs back! Thankyou :) It is nice to hear in-real-life stories from women who have PCOS.
DeleteI'm totally a pessimist at times (although I'd argue "realistic") and it drives some people crazy. I'm so lucky to have Justin who is optimistic- but he appreciates my view on things