Being Authentically Me

  I think I've decided to take this blog into a new direction. I've pretty much avoided writing any opinion or thought provoking posts on my blog due to not wanting to attract negative attention or "expose" my honest feelings on topics to my friends and family. There is also the fact that my personal opinions are subject to change and grow and I don't want to have something I wrote ages ago be bashed over my head, especially if my thoughts have since changed.

Maybe these feelings are coming about because of recent birthday. Turning 29 has hit me. I'm truly not a child anymore. I still think of myself as an idiot 16 year old though. I lack a lot of confidence in who I am and what I am. My mom was pregnant with baby #3 by 29, while I'm an anxious pile of person that struggles to accomplish basic adult responsibilities (still not driving)

 I know I'm not the only 29 year old to struggle with feeling lost in life, I remind myself of this often. People who look like they have it together are just that- they LOOK like they have it together. I probably look way more competent than I feel.

Struggling with anxiety and panic attacks definitely adds to my feelings of inadequacy and failure. I've been seeing a therapist once a month and it's been very nice. It's great to be able to talk things out or just complain without judgement. All joking aside, it has been very good for me. It has helped me understand my anxiety problems and why I have them in the first place. I still get panic attacks but I can recognize what's happening much quicker and decrease the length of the attack. That's  very nice.

Well, here's to my last year in my 20s

Love, Rebecca

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Why I've Been Gone

When I started blogging almost 10 years ago I was an idealistic and naive teenage girl. I had a lot of opinions to share and thoughts to express. Here I am about a decade later in the very last year of my 20s and I have changed quite a bit. 

Back then I thought I'd be elbow deep in babies and ministries by the time I was staring 30 in the face. 

I didn't expect to learn I had a fertility disease and would start struggling with my faith.

I didn't expect a back injury to affect my abilities so deeply. I didn't expect to struggle against pain while doing a simple task like washing dishes. I didn't expect the depression, panic attacks and just general anxiety. I didn't expect that I would start to question what I believe and why I believe it.

Why have I been gone?

Because I didn't want to admit that I'm not who you think I am.

 I'm not that good Christian wife who goes to church every Sunday and reads her Bible everyday. 

My home isn't spotless, my husband does the cooking. I try to help when I physically can but its a losing battle. He does the cleaning, the grocery shopping and the laundry. I try and injure myself. 

So, that's where I've been.

On a side note (and not to end this post on such a sad note) I still take photos and enjoy photography. I might post some new photos here and there on this blog.

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