Finding Hope

One of the benefits of blogging for me is the ability to look at my older posts I've written throughout the years. It's like a little snapshot of who I was at the time, what issues I was struggling with, and what things made me smile. It also helps me see how far I've come and

what things I still need to change. 

I was browsing through the archives on this blog for memory's sake. I saw my posts about my nephew's birth, family events, and fun trips. Seeing photos of my siblings so young are bittersweet- but it's exciting to see how much they have grown!

Some posts though tugged at my heart strings. Especially the ones back in 2014. I was in the darkest, blackest, most suffocating hole of depression at that time. I was trying to adapt to my new situation with a horrible back injury and it wasn't going well. Everything felt hopeless. I remember it far too well. 

Four years have passed and some things have changed. The most obvious change is the severity of the pain. I still struggle with pain but its not destroying-my-life levels of pain like it used to be. I've learned my physical limits, I've learned how to be more careful and I've learned to accept the injury. I'm also getting help for my depression now. 

I feel really bad for past me. That was such a dark time in my life and looking back on it, I feel sad. Just genuinely sad. 

I don't know what else to say. “Life gets better,” I guess? It's not how I would prefer things to be, but it did get better. It's hard when you are in the thick of it to see that there is a way out, that there is hope. Sometimes it just takes a while to find it. Don't give up 💗

Love, Rebecca

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July

Hello everyone!

Its been about a month now since my broken tooth was removed. It is SO NICE to not have constant pain in my face. You don't realize how much your teeth not hurting is awesome until you get an infection. I wish I had dealt with this tooth much sooner. Stupid anxiety made me wait. Ugh.

When I went for the surgery things had changed from the original plan of getting my wisdom teeth out as well. Our insurance wouldn't cover a heavy chunk of the costs leaving us $4,000 to pay ourselves.

😱

So after much discussion with my husband and my self we opted to just forget the wisdom teeth, forget the implant and just get this painful, infected, awful mess out of my mouth.

The procedure went okay. I had Novocaine and Nitrous Oxide (laughing gas). The Novocaine was brutal. The surgeon explained that the infection was making the Novocaine hurt more. The Dr. and the nurse were very comforting and patient.

Once the novicaine set in I didn't feel anything. Even though I was kind of out of it from the Nitrous I did know when the tooth was out and boy was that relieving.

Healing took a couple weeks, it was rough the first few days with the pain and swelling. I was more anxious than normal because I was in pain.

I am sad I lost a tooth but now that it's all said and done I'm glad it is out. It is behind my canine tooth so the gap is mostly hidden.

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My laptop keyboard decided to partially die on me a couple weeks ago so I had to get creative and partially write this on my phone and a Bluetooth keyboard. So fun 😬

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Connecticut Tornadoes Aftermath

 "The National Weather Service has confirmed that four tornadoes touched down in Connecticut Tuesday."

- News 8 WTNH

•Sandy: strongest wind 85 mph. May 15: 110 mph. 

•Sandy: nearly 1,700 broken poles. May 15: more than 1,800.

•Sandy: 105 miles of line down. May 15: 288 miles of line down (twice the length of CT). pic.twitter.com/ujsoPsh6gS

— Eversource CT (@EversourceCT) May 20, 2018

EversourceCT

"We have trees down in our yard. Neighbors have trees in their homes. We have one in our house, one in our car. Trees are just snapped in half," said Chris Borzillo of Hamden.

EversourceCT

"Two people in New Fairfield and Danbury were killed in separate accidents when trees fell on their trucks, including a woman whose 3-year-old child escaped injury."

-News 8 WTNH

EversourceCT

“It’s definitely one of the top five storms in the last few centuries for the number of tornadoes it created,” said Paul Slaski, a meteorologist at the Connecticut Weather Center. “It’s almost unprecedented.”

- News Times

EversourceCT

"More than 150,000 homes and businesses went dark after Tuesday’s storms, which included four separate tornadoes...

Eversource crews from Connecticut, Massachusetts and New Hampshire are working alongside contractors and utility crews from Quebec and Michigan,"

-Hartford Courant

EversourceCT

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What a storm that was.

Last Tuesday, May 15th, we were expecting hail and high winds. Imagine my surprise to learn that we were experiencing tornadoes

I've never dealt with a tornado before 😐

The storm swept through and was over in maybe 30 to 45 minutes. We lost power. Things calmed down and seemed fine. To my relief the tornado had just missed our town. Others weren't so lucky. One of our own church members had a tree on/ in their house, another on both their cars and yet another broke down their fence. 

It's been really sad driving through the area around us and seeing all the destroyed and fallen trees. So many are young trees. The young ones are not as tough to clean up as the big old trees but it's kinda sad to see baby trees broken and dead.

We had power restoration after two days, I'm very grateful to all the line workers from our state and other states that came to help. 

Due to the tornado my oral surgery had to be postponed. There's insurance drama too so I'm just getting the broken tooth pulled for now. Getting all my wisdom teeth out and the dental implant for my broken tooth is too expensive. The implant alone is $2,000. It's not great to just leave the hole there, but we are hoping to find a more affordable way to get the implant done. My tooth hurts so bad and I just want it out at this point. 

Prayers are appreciated

Love, Rebecca

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Some Toothy Drama

 This is an x-ray of a broken tooth. 

It's my broken tooth 

😭

Several months ago while flossing I felt a sharp pain and to my horror a piece of my tooth had broken off. I have a lot of anxiety relating to dentists so I stupidly ignored this tooth problem, even when I was in severe pain.

Because it is a back molar the broken tooth is not visible when I smile or talk. This made it even easier to ignore.

Two weeks ago I had a bout of stabbing pain. The next morning I was pain free though so I went about my day and had my breakfast. I was actually surprised when I bit something hard while I was eating. It was the last bit of my tooth.

It had continued breaking bit by bit over time and now the crown is 95% gone. I finally confronted my anxiety and we went to the dentist. 

The Good:

The root of my tooth is not infected- yet. There is also no damage to neighboring teeth.

The Bad: 

Not enough tooth it left to save so it has to be pulled

The Ugly:

My wisdom teeth have to go too

😰

I have been avoiding this for years now. All four wisdom teeth have to go and I've known this since I was in high school. Because my bottom molars are sideways and impacted it's going to be harder to get them out.

I've been through two different tooth extraction surgeries in the past so I know what is coming and I'm dreading it. It goes beyond just anxiety for me because I KNOW what I'm in for. 

My frequent vomiting problem is going to complicate things unfortunately and now we have to decide when the surgery will be done and how this problem can be taken care of. I started crying in the consultation with the oral surgeon because he took the vomiting problem seriously and I was not expecting that at all. I feel like most people do not take this issue I have seriously even though it massively affects my life.  

Not looking forward to this.

Prayers are appreciated. 

Love, Rebecca

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Why I've Been Gone

When I started blogging almost 10 years ago I was an idealistic and naive teenage girl. I had a lot of opinions to share and thoughts to express. Here I am about a decade later in the very last year of my 20s and I have changed quite a bit. 

Back then I thought I'd be elbow deep in babies and ministries by the time I was staring 30 in the face. 

I didn't expect to learn I had a fertility disease and would start struggling with my faith.

I didn't expect a back injury to affect my abilities so deeply. I didn't expect to struggle against pain while doing a simple task like washing dishes. I didn't expect the depression, panic attacks and just general anxiety. I didn't expect that I would start to question what I believe and why I believe it.

Why have I been gone?

Because I didn't want to admit that I'm not who you think I am.

 I'm not that good Christian wife who goes to church every Sunday and reads her Bible everyday. 

My home isn't spotless, my husband does the cooking. I try to help when I physically can but its a losing battle. He does the cleaning, the grocery shopping and the laundry. I try and injure myself. 

So, that's where I've been.

On a side note (and not to end this post on such a sad note) I still take photos and enjoy photography. I might post some new photos here and there on this blog.

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The Very Long, Horrible, No-good Week

I woke up on December 26th last week (Monday) ready to enjoy my husband's day off and our new Christmas goodies. I was feeling very tired from the weekend's festivities but I chalked it up to over exerting myself. 

Boy, was I wrong. 

By the evening of the 26th I was feeling worse and eventually things progressed to what I thought was 24 hour a stomach bug. My family had been struck by the bug just a few days before Christmas so I wasn't very surprised that I had caught it too. Just give it some time and by Wednesday I should be feeling right as rain!

Wishful thinking...

By Wednesday I was getting worse and started to be unable to keep even water down. Around 6pm a very sharp pain began in my lower left side of my back. "A Kidney stone? Now? During a stomach bug??"

Fast forward to 2am On Thursday and I was laying in a stretcher in the Emergency Room with an IV and anti-nausea medication. I had been continually throwing up water for hours. I was released at 5am with pain and anti-nausea meds and promptly went home and slept. 

I greeted Thursday evening with a little more hope when I finally woke. I took my anti-nausea meds and tried to drink some water. It didn't go so well. The anti-nausea medicine was increasing my nausea. 

Friday morning rolls around and by 8am we are back at the Emergency room by my doctor's request. I was given a CAT-scan and a different anti-nausea prescription. The CAT-scan confirmed that I did indeed have a kidney stone on the move. It should only take a couple days to pass. By noon time I was back home, exhausted and tearful. This week just would not end! 

I should also stress how insanely hungry I was by this point. The last time I had eaten and kept down a meal was Christmas. It had been five days since a meal and I was MISERABLE. It didn't help matters that my new anti-nausea medication was making me unbearable paranoid and panicky. By Friday evening I was a big blubbering mess of anxiety, exhaustion and just plain wanting to enjoy a single cracker! I nibbled a corner of a cracker and went to bed.

Saturday morning we attempted a cracker. It was TERRIFYING waiting to see if it would stay down. But regardless of the anxiety I was successful at keeping down 4 crackers. Four wonderful crackers. 

 By this point my life was mostly sleeping, puking, crying and taking hot baths. Now I could add nibbling on a cracker to my routine. 

Yesterday I was finally able to have a proper meal of plain buttered pasta. It's amazing how delicious the blandest of food are when you haven't eaten in almost a week. I had a small buttered pancake, a handful of nuts and raisins and a glass of milk!! 

I think I'm officially in recovery mode now. I'm pretty sure the kidney stone passed and the stomach bug is over. Now to gradually recuperate and increase food intake till we can have the steak dinner my husband promised me in the darkest moments of this past week. 

Speaking of my husband, he is a saint. He has been my rock during all the crying, puking, nausea, panic attacks and emotional distress. I don't know how he managed to put on a smile when I know how badly it was tearing him up inside seeing me in such awful pain. 

Also, a great big thank you goes to my family, my husband's family and our friends for all their prayers, encouragements and kind messages checking up on me. 

My Christmas posts will be coming eventually, in the meantime, Happy New Year! 

Love, Rebecca

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A Year With Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome

 It's been almost a full year since it began. It was only the occasional evening when I would vomit.  Going out shopping or visiting friends and family seemed to increase the likelihood that I would not be able to keep down my meal. 

I tried many different ways to control the vomiting. I had no clue of what was going on. I tried indigestion medicine, heartburn medicine and other tummy relief candies or chews. Sometimes they helped. Most of the time they didn't.  

After a few months the vomiting started to become more frequent and harder to fight down. I would lose sleep often just trying to avoid it at all costs only to lose the battle in the wee hours of the morning

Six months after it began I was struggling with frequent and intense nausea, severe headaches and increased anxiety. I was vomiting up to four times a week. My face was often dotted with broken blood vessels from the endless cycle of vomiting.

   Going out became a living nightmare for me because it made the chance of vomiting three times as likely. I began to eat very little and it soon became the same food every day. I started eating only crackers, dried fruit, yogurt and the occasional piece of toast. Anything else seemed to trigger the horrible vomiting.

Hardly anyone knew what I was going through. I was kind of embarrassed by the whole ordeal. I would be all bubbly and smiles when I was visiting friends or family but inside I was dreading later. There were times I couldn't even make it home before I lost yet again. 

After dealing with the vomiting for over 9 months enough was enough. I had tried dealing with it on my own by changing my diet, dealing with the headaches as quickly as possible and trying to decrease any situations that might trigger the vomiting. I was finally out of ideas and so off to the doctors I went. 

After talking to my doctor about what was going on he recommended that I keep a detailed journal for a couple months with the times, hour of day, and I was physically feeling before each episode happened. I kept record faithfully and boy was it heartbreaking to see it all written down. This problem was literally controlling my life.  

The follow up appointment with my doctor this past summer finally answered some questions. He diagnosed me with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome mainly triggered by migraines. I had noticed headaches when I was vomiting but I mistakenly thought it was the vomiting causing the headaches not the other way around. 

My doctor prescribed a beta-blocker for the migraines and within a couple months the frequent vomiting was almost completely gone. 

In the following months since I began the beta-blocker I have vomited a total of three times. Three times in  SIX MONTHS. It used to be three to four times per WEEK.

I wish I had gone to the doctor sooner because I feel SO MUCH BETTER! I can't being to describe it. I can't begin to describe that first real meal I had when I could actually enjoy it and know that I wouldn't be regretting what I ate later. I still remember that meal- it was fish & chips. Something I would have never even dared to look at 6 months ago.

I'm writing all this to make a point, we never really know what someone else is going through in their private lives. Very few people knew what was going on for me. I appeared to be my normal cheerful self. During the darkest times with the vomiting I had someone tell me I looked the best I had in a long time. They remarked that I must be feeling so much better from my back injury. This person has no idea.

My thought to you that I want to give is this: Always Be Kind, and Don't Judge.

Love, Rebecca

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Thoughts on Sciatica and Back Pain

It's been about 3 years since I was diagnosed with two herniated discs in my lower back. 

I still deal with daily back pain and far too often sciatica. 

I will be planning another appointment with the doctor who diagnosed my back injury in the spring. 

The treatment of my back pain has been a confusing process. I did receive a cortisone injection a couple years ago and was told to pretty much just "wait it out".

From what I have read and been told not everyone who has a herniated disc injury will recover 100% pain free. Some recover with minimal pain, to moderate pain to severe pain. 

I do take pain medicine once in a while but it is only when I am going to be very active that day. I try to use heat packs and ice packs and a back brace to help deal with the pain. It doesn't always work though- especially if I am experiencing sciatic pain.

The best way to describe sciatic pain is the feeling of both a numbness and a burning down my hip to usually my right leg to the foot. It is very hard to find a comfortable position to sit, lay or sleep when my sciatica is acting up.

It would be a lie to say that the back pain doesn't rule my life at this point. Sitting up in a chair for more than an hour at a time is excruciating.  I often have to lay on my side to relieve the pain in my back and my right leg. If I am experiencing sciatica there is no relief. I do try stretches which sometimes help but not always.

I am planning this spring to pursue a better treatment plan for my back and sciatic pain. I was disappointed with the attitude of "wait it out".  I want to be able to sit up right in a chair and talk with friends for more than an hour, or go for walks without agonizing pain in my leg and back. I want to be able to go to bed without the futile attempts to be comfortable amid the pain. 

I'm very worried that there is no solution to my back pain and that this is the rest of my life. It happened to my mom after a car accident caused her own chronic back injury. She has pursued so many different forms of treatment in the past 22 years since the accident and she still has debilitating pain. If modern medicine can not help and heal my mother why should I expect any different for myself? 

Love, Rebecca

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My New Glasses!

After waiting anxiously for about a week or so my glasses finally arrived this past Saturday. I think Justin was more excited then I was about their arrival since he opened the package right away and was grinning like crazy when I tried them on.  

I am noticing a difference already, it is mind boggling that I wasn't seeing clearly for a while now. In my opinion the astigmatism is more annoying then the nearsightedness. 

My eyes feel weird when I remove them since everything has that slight blur. I have been doing the "take them off and look, put them on and look" every so often. 

I don't need them all the time which is nice, I could wear them all the time for the astigmatism if I wanted to. I watched a movie the other night and it was so clear!! It's funny that I can see things sharper now that are across the room from me. 

My mom and two of my brothers wear glasses so I will fit right in :)

Love, Rebecca

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I Am Getting Glasses!

For the past two years or so I have slowly noticed that my vision was getting a tad bit blurry. I didn't think much of it or even actually notice it until recently. I was playing a video game that had words on the screen.  I complained to my husband who was sitting beside me, "This font is terrible! I can barely read this!!" He looked at me and said, "We should get your eyes checked, because it is crystal clear for me,"

So off we went to the eye doctor last week; turns out I have astigmatism and I am a bit nearsighted. When the doctor showed me how I would see with glasses and how I see now I was blown away. Now I really notice the blurriness and it is so obvious- how did I miss that!!? 

Once I get my glasses I will have to play "A Whole New World" from Aladdin for the whole day. 

:)

I hope I can pull of wearing glasses.

Got any glasses related stories to share? I'd love to hear them! 

Love, Rebecca

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A Visit to the Emergency Room - Kidney Stone!

For the past few days I have been experiencing sharp pain in my lower left side of my back. I assumed it was just my herniated discs acting up again so I just did my usual regimen of pain management with heat, ice and the occasional pain medication. Yesterday morning however the pain woke me up and it was intense. Pure burning, stabbing misery all on my lower left side. We kept thinking it was my back but then as the day progressed I started to have a hard time using the bathroom and that was when it started to dawn on me that I might be dealing with a kidney stone.

With nothing working to relive the pain Justin took me to the ER. I passed out from the pain in triage, than later fell asleep in a wheel chair in the waiting room. About 2 and a half hours after we had arrived I was admitted into a room. I was hooked up to an IV and given morphine. I've never had morphine before and wow...that stuff is fast acting. I've never had an IV before either but it wasn't as scary as I expected.  I had a very nice nurse named Franklin and he was very kind and patient. He had a hard time finding the blood vessel to do the IV in, but kept cracking jokes so I wouldn't feel upset. Later on in the evening they gave me a CAT scan and found a 2mm stone in my left kidney. My tormentor has been found!!

 I'm home now with pain meds and another med to help me pass the stone. I almost had a panic attack a few times  at the hospital but Justin was there so I was able to calm myself down. I'm in a bit of pain today but its significantly less.

Please pray I pass the stone soon and for follow up with my doctor so we can prevent these stones.  I've apparently had smaller ones in the past that I thought was just my herniated discs acting up.

 I took a funny selfie at the ER so enjoy.

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When "In Sickness and In Health" Becomes Mostly In Sickness

Why tummy why?

I had a 24 hour stomach bug on the 4th of July this year.

While many other Americans were out barbecuing, playing games and watching fireworks I was laying on my bathroom floor- sick, tired and crying. A headache that just wouldn't go away all day had turned into this.

Without going into all the gory and gritty details of a stomach bug it was a long exhausting night and my throat felt like it was on fire from the strain. While I was able to keep food down by the next day I was wiped out. It's been four days and I'm just starting to feel ok. 

A lot of thoughts went through my head when it is 3am and I'm sitting in a bath tub in another desperate attempt to rid of this pounding headache. As my husband sat beside the tub with his head bobbing as he started nodding off again I was overwhelmed with emotion. 

I'm sick and I HATE IT. 

Being sick is never fun, but on top of all the other health problems and my back injury it's even worse for me.

I seem to catch things really easily too which just adds to my misery. 

At least I have Justin. He helped me finally get to sleep by 5 am and took extra special care of me over the next few days. The stomach bug had caused my anxiety to skyrocket and I was very emotional. Lots of cuddling, cartoons and a cup of tea can really help!

I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed by my limitations. It's a daily struggle. When you are trying to warm up some leftovers for your dinner and you are shaking like a leaf after 5 minutes it is incredibly frustrating. And Justin is just a sweetheart of course, doing everything he can to make life fun and happy in between the pain and tears. I wish I could do more. I want to do more. But I can't and I have to be okay with that- and its REALLY hard to be okay with that. 

I look at Justin cleaning away in our house and I sigh. I help here and there but it's far from what I want to do. I wish cleaning didn't require so much energy! 

*****************************************************************

I do have a fourth of July post that will go up soon, we were blessed to be able to see fireworks the week before so I didn't completely miss out.

Love, Rebecca

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20-Something and Still Confused

Hello Readers! 

I'm turning 26 soon, and that to me is crazy. I know I'm still just a "young spring chicken" as some would say! Still in my perspective it's mind-boggling. I feel like I was just turning 16 a few days ago, and here I am 10 years later. 

I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be in life when I was 16 and thinking of the future. I thought I would be a mother by now, and maybe have a little photography business on the side.

Instead I am dealing with a back injury and spending my days struggling to do simple tasks. But at least I am still here, I have a WONDERFUL husband and life goes on. 

Last year before my 25th birthday I felt quite panicked. It's a common myth we 20-somethings have to deal with- this idea that we should "have it all together." My 20s are passing me by so quickly and I had accomplished nothing so far. Being an adult is confusing... but I've been learning over this past year that it is simply not true- and that it is totally ok to not have everything figured out in life.   

I've been happier in the past 6 months than I had been in a while. I am slowly coming to terms with my limitations because of my back pain, and I am learning better how to handle my anxiety and depression. I still get my low moments, but it has not been anywhere near as bad as it used to be. 

I have been meeting with my pastor as often as I can do- about once every month or so. Counseling is AMAZING. Especially when you have a compassionate and patient pastor. It can be an exhausting process dealing with all my doubts and fears but it's one of healing. Our pastor and his wife have been the most encouraging in reminding me that I DON'T have to be perfect. 

I still have to do with a considerable amount of loneliness. Being sick keeps you home-bound. It is also hard to build relationships when I am always paranoid that I'm annoying to be around. (still working on that!)

So now, to all my readers who are past their 20s, 

What was your experience in those years? Did you ever experience the panic that you didn't have everything figured out? Any advice for us younger ones? 

Love, Becca

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Boring

Hello Readers, 

I am finding it harder and harder to post consistently on my blog lately. Partially because my life is extremely boring since I am sick all the time and partially because I don't receive much interaction with you all any more. I miss everyone's lovely comments so much. I am actually genuinely worried that I bored you all so much that my readers are leaving. 

I wish I had more interesting things to post about because I really do LOVE blogging! But my life is just boring, boring, boring. I don't do much beyond spending time with my husband or visiting family members. My back has been off again and that severely limits me. Not to mention I had to deal with a kidney stone and an ear infection. 

My father-in-law has recently had back surgery and he is slowly on the mend. He has had herniated discs since 2012. We are all praying that this surgery gives him some much needed relief from the pain. 

I don't have much else to say right now, I am hoping that I am just in a major writing rut lately and that I will spring back soon. 

I would love to hear from my readers though! I miss you all. 

Love, Rebecca

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Sleep Study

Don't I look *gorgeous*?? 

Don't worry though, this was just my get-up for an in-home sleep study. I wake up frequently during the night so my doctor wanted to run a test and see what was going on. I haven't received the results yet.  

I also had my knee checked, it is still swollen and sore, but not as stabbingly painful as last week thankfully. An x-ray showed no minor fractures in the knee cap, so my dr thinks a piece of cartilage may have broken off and is causing all the problems. If the swelling doesn't go down in a couple weeks I will have to go back. 

In other new my back is doing ok. Still gets sore after sitting up for a long time, and I still need lumbar supports. 

A great big thankyou to all my readers for their support, encouragement and prayers. I am dearly hoping this blog will soon not be about all my physical problems all the time. 

Love, Rebecca

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Oh My Knee....

Sooo..........................

My left knee has been swollen, stiff and painful to walk on for the past three days. 

I didn't fall or hit it on anything so I am both annoyed and puzzled. Aren't I a wee bit young to be waking with achy joints?? *sigh* 

In other news our 3rd wedding anniversary is coming up :). I am hoping that I will be well enough to celebrate our day. We are planning to visit an Aquarium. I LOVE fish and other underwater mammals and creatures so I am really really wanting to go! I haven't been to an Aquarium since before we got married. 

I love going to pet stores just to watch the fish in their tanks. Fish are so calming. I probably would be alot calmer if I lived in a house built of fish tanks.

What do you like? Aquariums, Museums or Zoos?

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I Need My Life Back

I asked Justin to take me to a park yesterday. I wanted to watch the ducks and geese. We saw a momma duck with 4 or 5 little ducklings. They were so very cute to watch. 

I shouldn't have gone to the park though.  The strain on my back was too much and the pain is ridiculous right now. I shouldn't have gone, I know that. But I get SO TIRED of sitting at home and saying " I can't do this, I can't do that," I am so so so very tired of pain owning my life. Should I have not gone to that park? Nope. I shouldn't have. The pain isn't worth it. 

So what now? What am I supposed to do? Do I just resign to a life in bed? Do I spend the rest of my days in fear of my back?? 

We saw a new dr for my back this past week. He suggested physical therapy and that was it. Didn't even discuss the new issue with my upper back hurting so badly. Must I scream and beg to be heard? I don't know. 

I keep hearing about people healing/recovering from this injury but I also keep hearing that its permanent. My poor father-in-law has been dealing with a herniated disc for years now. That the only option is pain management?

For all our technology and claims of modem medicine I get the feeling that either they boast of information they DON'T have or or simply do not care. 

I'm tired of "well try this? Well try that?" NO! I want answers, directions, solutions. Not guesses! Why must I beg and plead and scream to simply know what to do? 

I'm only 25, does that mean that I must live for the rest of my life like this? Is my existence now just meant to be stuck in my home whimpering from pain, too scared to move, too scared to attempt to enjoy life? Do I honestly have to feel guilt from wanting to go to a stupid park just to see some ducks? Do I have to really choose whether to stay home alone every day or risk  a week of severe pain if I choose to just go to a friends wedding? 

Why can't I be involved in life anymore? Why can I not enjoy my passions anymore? Why am I resigned to this stupid bed? Is that all I can do? Can I not hope for better? Am I stupid to want better? 

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Quick Back Update

Just wanted to answer some questions from my readers regarding my back, 

Regarding Surgery: the first doctor to see me said that surgery should be a last resort and that most people regret it. I will be getting a second opinion in a couple days so we will see what this doctor says. I am very nervous about the idea of having surgery done but sometimes it seems appealing with this constant pain.

Regarding Physical Therapy: 

Yes I did do physical therapy for a bit and I couldn't move for several days without severe pain after each session so we had to stop.

My back is still not doing well to the point where typing this out is hard because it hurts to sit up. 

If you want to be a blessing and encouragement please keep me in prayers and leave a little comment. I'd love to connect with more of my readers!! 

Love, Rebecca

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I Can't Do This Again

In just two months time it will be one year since I was diagnosed with two herniated discs in my lower back, and I am still dealing with the daily pain and physical limitations. It's been a very frustrating and at times embarrassing injury to deal with. I can't do as much as I used to and my daily life has to revolve around accommodating the limitations this injury has caused. It's been a struggle to accept the changes I have to make and to be "ok" with this. I often worry that people may judge me for being less active or less social but trust me I would be doing so much more if I physically could. 

A couple days ago I thought to myself, "Wow things have actually been pretty calm lately," 

Apparently I am INCREDIBLY stupid for thinking that because barely 24 hours later I had a sharp pain in my right shoulder. I had been walking across my living room when I felt something weird happen in my upper spine and the sharp burning feeling started. 

Needless to say... I am very discouraged. We have been trying so very hard lately to try to ease me into a more normal way of living and figuring out how to work around the back pain but it feels like it was all for nothing. 

I want to just.... scream I guess. I am so fed up that I keep randomly getting hurt by NOTHING. I don't want to be held prisoner by my physical pain/limitations anymore, I want to start recovering! 

I need prayer dear readers, I am at my wits end with all of this. I want to move forward in my life, but all these injuries make me feel like I am just sitting on the sidelines watching everybody else go by. There is SO MUCH I want to do, that I long to do. I'd be happy just to be able to walk in the store with my husband for goodness sake!

I am going to see a new back doctor next week.

If this upper back/shoulder pain turns out to be something serious I won't be able to do any photography much at all, and its already pretty low as it is. 

Your prayers are much appreciated <3

With much love, Rebecca

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Allergies are Awful

Hey there everybody! 

I hope you are all having a fantastic start to your summer! And to those who live in different parts of the world I hope your seasons are lovely too! 

Justin and I have been looking for a new car as ours has officially kicked the bucket. I'm kinda sad because it was our first car together. And it was such an a bright shade of blue you could never miss it! 

My back is doing ok-ish. Somedays it is just awful and other days it is fine. It gets worse whenever a storm is coming, I feel like an old lady, "A storm's coming I can feel it in my bones!" Joking aside though it's true! 

My ankle is doing well, although my darling husband accidently sat on my good ankle! When a 190+ lbs of full grown man are placed on your foot it hurts! Thankfully it stopped hurting after two days and is totally fine and a funny story now. Justin felt so horrible about it. We are both so thankful it healed up. 

I have been *trying* to be more active lately and have succeeded a bit. Its going to be a long and hard process to get back to where I was before the injuries. I keep having to remind myself that I'm not going to magically wake up one day and everything is going to be "normal" again, and that it is ok that my definition of "normal" is different now. 

Oh and by the way allergies are AWFUL. I miss being able to breathe lol. 

Anybody have advice in that department? I'm living on benadryl! I can tell you that when my allergies are bad I have worse anxiety and just an overall bad day. If you do not suffer from seasonal allergies praise the Lord! And be extra kind to all your friends and family who do, give them lots of hugs and candy.   :) 

Love, Rebecca

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