Mental Health Awareness

Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. 

It was a day to talk about mental well being and another try and removing the negative attitudes toward it. I saw several messages and tweets from online creators talking about their own issues, struggles and victories with various mental struggles. It was encouraging and heartwarming to someone like me.

My struggles have been with depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks and PTSD. I am taking daily medication and see a therapist once a month. Where I am now compared to five years ago is like night and day. I still struggle but I can function now with more confidence. I used to experience panic attacks up to four times a week, now its one to two times a month. I used to never leave my bed because the depression was telling me everything was pointless. Now when I have those thoughts creeping in I go "Oh, just the depression talking," and refocus.

Depression is awful. It sucks your life away. It whispers horrible things to you, convincing you that life is pointless, nothing matters, you are a burden, the world is better off without you... it's an illness that can destroy your most basic instinct - to survive. It is a suffocating mess to deal with. It ruins your perceptions of relationships, reality and your own worth. 

If you are struggling with mental issues know you are not alone and there is hope! Be it medication, therapy or a good support system there are people ready to help. Taking care of your mental health is just as important as brushing your teeth, washing your hands and putting on sunscreen. Our bodies get sick and we care for them - do the same for your brain! 

click here for:

Crisis Services and Hotlines  (USA based)

 (I've used a crisis hotline before and it was helpful for my situation! Don't be afraid to reach out 💜)

Love, Rebecca

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Obsessions and Weird Habits

I don't know if these are all anxiety quirks of mine but I get a tendency once in a while to obsess over various thing or form weird habits. I'm pretty sure a lot of people have a particular quirk or odd habit that puzzles them too.

I love books and having full bookshelves. We have 7 bookshelves in our home with a wide variety of genres. I can be very particular about how my books are arranged on the book shelf, as I don't like the look of books just "thrown" on a shelf. I used to arrange my books strictly by height for the longest time, this habit started when I was a child. Now I organize them by genre and height.It's actually easier to find a book now because I know where to look.

I have to stop myself from constantly acquiring new plushies and stuffed animals. I love plushies very much. I find them cute and comforting. There are a few plushies I would never part with because they were gifts that meant a lot to me. When we moved last year I did get rid of several plushies and decided "no more plushies". No joke, I ended the year with 6 brand new ones. Oops.
I did start going through them again though so as long as I can keep getting rid of some every year I should be good! My husband does tell me that I will be a future plushie hoarder if I don't be careful.

 Indoor plants bring me so much joy. I just love seeing splashes of nature in my home. I can't go crazy with plants even if I wanted to though because I live with an adorable little plant murderer that can climb. Yup, my cat has killed a few plants on me. I only have so many high spots he can not reach to use so my plants stay to a minimum. I have at least two plants in every room of our home though. 

I like mint gum. I would marry mint gum if I could. Several years ago I discovered that cough drops could help with nausea and then I discovered mint gum also helped with it so I switched to gum. I break off a tiny bit of a stick of gum just to get the minty flavor. I can make a single stick of gum last for a couple days.

Hand Lotion is my BFF. When I was a teen my hands would get so dry they would crack and bleed, and it hurt so bad. I started using lotion and the skin cracking stopped. I hate for my hands to feel dry so I constantly use lotion. Just like the gum, it's not a lot of lotion. Just a tiny bit.

Now comes the weird one. I can not stand touching certain types of papers and cardboards. I have no idea why. If I touch a certain texture of paper my hands just feel wrong. It's textures like newspaper or paper money, and cardboards like pizza boxes. I can touch book and magazine paper fine. It's like reacting to seeing a creepy bug skitter across the floor- my brain just goes "ew, gross!"

And there you have it! A small glimpse into my brain. I know most people have some tiny ritual or obsession they do that they don't know why. I figure most of mine are like a kid's security blanket. It's a little comfort thing.

Love, Rebecca

(As a side note- I'm very aware of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and how devastating it is to those who suffer from it. I'm also highly aware or the fact that Hoarding is also an anxiety/OCD behavior. I have a couple people I love very much that struggle with OCD and/or hoarding. While this post is written in a light hearted tone I fully understand how serious these disorders can be and I'm aware that if given the chance I could follow the same path if my anxiety were to go unchecked)

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Being Authentically Me

  I think I've decided to take this blog into a new direction. I've pretty much avoided writing any opinion or thought provoking posts on my blog due to not wanting to attract negative attention or "expose" my honest feelings on topics to my friends and family. There is also the fact that my personal opinions are subject to change and grow and I don't want to have something I wrote ages ago be bashed over my head, especially if my thoughts have since changed.

Maybe these feelings are coming about because of recent birthday. Turning 29 has hit me. I'm truly not a child anymore. I still think of myself as an idiot 16 year old though. I lack a lot of confidence in who I am and what I am. My mom was pregnant with baby #3 by 29, while I'm an anxious pile of person that struggles to accomplish basic adult responsibilities (still not driving)

 I know I'm not the only 29 year old to struggle with feeling lost in life, I remind myself of this often. People who look like they have it together are just that- they LOOK like they have it together. I probably look way more competent than I feel.

Struggling with anxiety and panic attacks definitely adds to my feelings of inadequacy and failure. I've been seeing a therapist once a month and it's been very nice. It's great to be able to talk things out or just complain without judgement. All joking aside, it has been very good for me. It has helped me understand my anxiety problems and why I have them in the first place. I still get panic attacks but I can recognize what's happening much quicker and decrease the length of the attack. That's  very nice.

Well, here's to my last year in my 20s

Love, Rebecca

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Why I've Been Gone

When I started blogging almost 10 years ago I was an idealistic and naive teenage girl. I had a lot of opinions to share and thoughts to express. Here I am about a decade later in the very last year of my 20s and I have changed quite a bit. 

Back then I thought I'd be elbow deep in babies and ministries by the time I was staring 30 in the face. 

I didn't expect to learn I had a fertility disease and would start struggling with my faith.

I didn't expect a back injury to affect my abilities so deeply. I didn't expect to struggle against pain while doing a simple task like washing dishes. I didn't expect the depression, panic attacks and just general anxiety. I didn't expect that I would start to question what I believe and why I believe it.

Why have I been gone?

Because I didn't want to admit that I'm not who you think I am.

 I'm not that good Christian wife who goes to church every Sunday and reads her Bible everyday. 

My home isn't spotless, my husband does the cooking. I try to help when I physically can but its a losing battle. He does the cleaning, the grocery shopping and the laundry. I try and injure myself. 

So, that's where I've been.

On a side note (and not to end this post on such a sad note) I still take photos and enjoy photography. I might post some new photos here and there on this blog.

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20-Something and Still Confused

Hello Readers! 

I'm turning 26 soon, and that to me is crazy. I know I'm still just a "young spring chicken" as some would say! Still in my perspective it's mind-boggling. I feel like I was just turning 16 a few days ago, and here I am 10 years later. 

I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be in life when I was 16 and thinking of the future. I thought I would be a mother by now, and maybe have a little photography business on the side.

Instead I am dealing with a back injury and spending my days struggling to do simple tasks. But at least I am still here, I have a WONDERFUL husband and life goes on. 

Last year before my 25th birthday I felt quite panicked. It's a common myth we 20-somethings have to deal with- this idea that we should "have it all together." My 20s are passing me by so quickly and I had accomplished nothing so far. Being an adult is confusing... but I've been learning over this past year that it is simply not true- and that it is totally ok to not have everything figured out in life.   

I've been happier in the past 6 months than I had been in a while. I am slowly coming to terms with my limitations because of my back pain, and I am learning better how to handle my anxiety and depression. I still get my low moments, but it has not been anywhere near as bad as it used to be. 

I have been meeting with my pastor as often as I can do- about once every month or so. Counseling is AMAZING. Especially when you have a compassionate and patient pastor. It can be an exhausting process dealing with all my doubts and fears but it's one of healing. Our pastor and his wife have been the most encouraging in reminding me that I DON'T have to be perfect. 

I still have to do with a considerable amount of loneliness. Being sick keeps you home-bound. It is also hard to build relationships when I am always paranoid that I'm annoying to be around. (still working on that!)

So now, to all my readers who are past their 20s, 

What was your experience in those years? Did you ever experience the panic that you didn't have everything figured out? Any advice for us younger ones? 

Love, Becca

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I Can't Do This Again

In just two months time it will be one year since I was diagnosed with two herniated discs in my lower back, and I am still dealing with the daily pain and physical limitations. It's been a very frustrating and at times embarrassing injury to deal with. I can't do as much as I used to and my daily life has to revolve around accommodating the limitations this injury has caused. It's been a struggle to accept the changes I have to make and to be "ok" with this. I often worry that people may judge me for being less active or less social but trust me I would be doing so much more if I physically could. 

A couple days ago I thought to myself, "Wow things have actually been pretty calm lately," 

Apparently I am INCREDIBLY stupid for thinking that because barely 24 hours later I had a sharp pain in my right shoulder. I had been walking across my living room when I felt something weird happen in my upper spine and the sharp burning feeling started. 

Needless to say... I am very discouraged. We have been trying so very hard lately to try to ease me into a more normal way of living and figuring out how to work around the back pain but it feels like it was all for nothing. 

I want to just.... scream I guess. I am so fed up that I keep randomly getting hurt by NOTHING. I don't want to be held prisoner by my physical pain/limitations anymore, I want to start recovering! 

I need prayer dear readers, I am at my wits end with all of this. I want to move forward in my life, but all these injuries make me feel like I am just sitting on the sidelines watching everybody else go by. There is SO MUCH I want to do, that I long to do. I'd be happy just to be able to walk in the store with my husband for goodness sake!

I am going to see a new back doctor next week.

If this upper back/shoulder pain turns out to be something serious I won't be able to do any photography much at all, and its already pretty low as it is. 

Your prayers are much appreciated <3

With much love, Rebecca

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A Struggle All My Own

I have been having a rough weekend so I'm just going to write about it to stop thinking about it over and over. We went to Jessica's senior recital- she did a great job and I loved the music. It was held at my childhood church. I was able to overcome my anxiety enough to go but about halfway through my back started to hurt badly. I left the auditorium and snuck into the quiet room and laid down for a bit. We went to the reception and I felt a bit better. By the time we headed home my back really started aching. It's been two days and its still hurting worse than normal. Now that event was no more than two and a half hours. The same length of a Sunday morning Sunday school and service. I have been in so much pain and now I'm wondering how on earth I will be able to return to church. I can't go each week and then be in this bad pain for days. I'm so discouraged. 

I worry people think I'm not at church because I'm lazy or something. I have had a few people accuse me of laziness and for "letting the pain hold you back!" It's been bothering me so much. Some people think their experiences with pain or illnesses is how everyone's experience is and how they handled is is how everyone should handle it. I hate that mentality so much. It's a very prideful opinion. Someone being sick with a cold from time to time will never know what it is like to deal with a chronic illness. Colds go away, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue syndrome, PCOS, Endometriosis etc. DON'T go away. And the people who suffer from the occasional cold KNOW their cold is not permanent so taking a few days off they can handle. Some chronic illnesses are like having a permanent cold that is NEVER going to go away, we get accused of laziness and "just exercise and diet" as the cure-all to all the diseases of life. 

Why some people are downright ignorant and cruel to others who suffer from physical problems I will never understand. People want tolerance for all mankind yet nowadays people are quick to judge and attack anyone or anything that is not the norm. It's upsetting. People only want tolerance for themselves, their desires, their wants. They often could care less about others. I see it everywhere. I've even seen many Christians who exhibit these behaviors and attitudes. 

You know that phrase "Don't judge people for sinning differently than you do" well I would like to add "Don't judge people for struggling differently than you" and "Don't judge people for responding to situations differently than you" 

We all have our own unique struggles and trials to face in life, and because we are have unique personalities and backgrounds we are going to respond to situations in our own way. Your way works for you, but it probably won't work for others. That girl may be able to still go to work regardless of her broken leg, but someone one else might struggle more with a twisted ankle. 

Some people may cling to God and their church family during trials, and some may need personal space and time to accept the situation.

All I am trying to say is- Just be kind. You never know what is going on in the private lives of people. 
If you knew what their demons in life are you probably would break down sobbing. Love, support and kindness are so essential in life. 

Love, Rebecca

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Struggles

I haven't been doing the greatest lately with my anxiety. I feel so much pressure in my own mind that I need to change and that I am not acceptable this way. Now no one is making me feel this way it's my own reckless thoughts that I can not reign in. I worry that I am so messed up and broken by my panic disorder that I can't hope to break free of the chains of my anxieties. 

I finally saw Frozen today and I can relate to Elsa so strongly. I feel that I MUST hide my panic attacks and depression. I teared up several times in the scenes where Elsa was terrified and felt trapped by her own self. Something she couldn't escape. I know how that feels. 

I want to hope that someday I can break free of the panic disorder and the depression. But sometimes it seems hopeless- I keep trying to hope. 

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A Quick and Simple Guide to Anxiety Disorders

Comic created by M.R.Leach

I recently saw this comic strip on Tumblr and I really liked how concise and simply the artist explained about Anxiety. As someone who has dealt with people who don't understand or deny what anxiety is I really appreciate how clearly the artist explains it all! 

Love, Rebecca

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An Honest Post About My Struggle With Anxiety Disorder

I prefer not to do very serious posts, but I feel compelled to write.

I was recently with some people who were getting into a heated debate and I asked them to please stop, since arguing/raised voices/yelling scares me greatly and WILL cause a panic attack. I was made fun of… Later on when I said I did not want to go to an event that had great potential for yelling and arguing I was told “oh come on-grow up” in a very annoyed tone.

People just don’t get it. Or don’t want to get it.

There are only two options, either I am lying when I say I struggle with Panic/anxiety disorder and agoraphobia or I am telling the truth. There is no other option. One must accept that I struggle with this disorder- that I CAN'T CONTROL, or I am the biggest liar they know.  

Living with panic/anxiety disorder is AWFUL. Living with the agoraphobia is almost worse. 

The agoraphobia causes me to have severe anxiety and panic attacks regarding certain places/situations. The agoraphobia makes it hard to leave my apartment, it makes it nearly impossible to go to church- it causes me to isolate myself. I only feel safe in my apartment. 

This is a miserable existence, and one I am trying to change. 

Church attendance has been the toughest. I had a very bad panic attack at our church last fall. I was literally on the floor in the kitchen area sobbing and hyperventilating- and terrified that someone would find me like that. I remember after the panic attack ended I thought to myself very calmly, "I NEVER want to come here ever again,"  

And since then I have only been to church a few times. 

Believe me, I have tried to go, with my health problems it has made it difficult. But even on the days I feel physically ok, I have been dressed and ready to go and have had a terrible panic attack as soon as I leave my home. Because panic attacks are so draining and cause me to feel incredibly sick, that usually is the final straw that breaks the camel's back. 

I cannot describe to you how many times my husband has left me to go to church, and I am sobbing because my anxiety won. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt like the worst Christian on the face of this planet because of this problem. 

So, when people think I am faking/lying it really frustrates me. 

You DON'T KNOW what I am going through. You DON'T KNOW what it feels like to have all the walls closing in on you, you DON'T KNOW what it's like to feel trapped, in danger and the intense need to escape the situation- when you are SITTING in a building. You DON'T KNOW how sick a panic attack can make me. You DON'T KNOW what it feels like to question whether something is wrong with you and if people secretly hate you. You DON'T KNOW what it's like to have people tell you that panic disorder is simply a "sin problem" and "you are just an emotional basketcase" 

I am trying to fight my anxieties, I honestly am...but it's hard. It's a battle I have to fight every single day. It's a battle that never seems to end, and severely limits my enjoyment in life. 

Every day I thank God for Justin, he has been such a constant comfort and a source of peace and safety. I know he does not look down on me when I have a panic attack, I know he tries to actively help me beat them. We have had small victories here and there, but it takes time. I want to give up and just retreat into my realm of isolation more and more. I feel like the biggest failure between my anxiety and my health problems-Things I cannot control. I am thankful Justin is there to pull me out of these dark times.

I feel compelled to write this for those out there who may also be struggling with anxiety. I know how you feel. 

hopefully my next post will not be so dreary...

with love, 

~Rebecca

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Health Update- Anxiety

[image source]

Some of you might recall my post on my Anxiety and panic attacks, 

well we finally went to see a doctor about them last week. 

After meeting with the doctor and talking to him for awhile he came to the conclusion that I have been experiencing panic attacks caused by Anxiety Disorder and mild Agoraphobia. 

He presented me with a few options to help me deal with these problems I am facing, and gave hope that the panic attacks could definitely be lessened considerably. To me this would be wonderful!

About the Agoraphobia, what I personally am dealing with-
Agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances). Agoraphobia is often, but not always, compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public.
Agoraphobia is also defined as "a fear, sometimes terrifying, by those who have experienced one or more panic attacks". In these cases, the sufferer is fearful of a particular place because they have experienced a panic attack at the same location in a previous time. Fearing the onset of another panic attack, the sufferer is fearful or even avoids the location.
It is not uncommon for agoraphobics to also suffer from temporary separation anxiety disorder when certain other individuals of the household depart from the residence temporarily, such as a parent or spouse, or when the agoraphobic is left home alone. Such temporary conditions can result in an increase in anxiety or a panic attack.
  ~wiki

I do not have to deal with panic attacks from wide, open spaces- but crowds and traveling has definitely done it to me. I have had panic attacks at certain places and I to this day avoid them. Why? I am TERRIFIED I will have another panic attack/someone will see me have a panic attack.




I highly encourage you to watch this video if you would like to know more and understand what Anxiety is like.  She begins describing the symptoms at 3:33.


I greatly appreciate all your prayers as I start this journey to hopefully end or at least lessen my anxiety.
Thankyou!
~Rebecca

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