I asked Justin to take me to a park yesterday. I wanted to watch the ducks and geese. We saw a momma duck with 4 or 5 little ducklings. They were so very cute to watch.
I shouldn't have gone to the park though. The strain on my back was too much and the pain is ridiculous right now. I shouldn't have gone, I know that. But I get SO TIRED of sitting at home and saying " I can't do this, I can't do that," I am so so so very tired of pain owning my life. Should I have not gone to that park? Nope. I shouldn't have. The pain isn't worth it.
So what now? What am I supposed to do? Do I just resign to a life in bed? Do I spend the rest of my days in fear of my back??
We saw a new dr for my back this past week. He suggested physical therapy and that was it. Didn't even discuss the new issue with my upper back hurting so badly. Must I scream and beg to be heard? I don't know.
I keep hearing about people healing/recovering from this injury but I also keep hearing that its permanent. My poor father-in-law has been dealing with a herniated disc for years now. That the only option is pain management?
For all our technology and claims of modem medicine I get the feeling that either they boast of information they DON'T have or or simply do not care.
I'm tired of "well try this? Well try that?" NO! I want answers, directions, solutions. Not guesses! Why must I beg and plead and scream to simply know what to do?
I'm only 25, does that mean that I must live for the rest of my life like this? Is my existence now just meant to be stuck in my home whimpering from pain, too scared to move, too scared to attempt to enjoy life? Do I honestly have to feel guilt from wanting to go to a stupid park just to see some ducks? Do I have to really choose whether to stay home alone every day or risk a week of severe pain if I choose to just go to a friends wedding?
Why can't I be involved in life anymore? Why can I not enjoy my passions anymore? Why am I resigned to this stupid bed? Is that all I can do? Can I not hope for better? Am I stupid to want better?
I'm so sorry dear. I had so hoped you get a new answer.
ReplyDeleteStill praying,
Lea
" Must I scream and beg to be heard?" Yes. If this doctor ignores you, then keep looking. To be blunt- and I am in the same boat, so no judgement- it is a proven fact that doctors don't listen to overweight people because they have been trained to blame all the problems on the weight and society has taught all of us that overweight people are just lazy. NOT TRUE, but that is often a prejudice that must be overcome before a doctor will consider that the weight is a symptom not the problem. Keep looking until you find a doctor that will see YOU and is truly interested in helping you. Don't be afraid to "scream and beg". Sometimes that is what it takes for them to see YOU and make it a priority. Doctors get busy, I understand that, but some issues are not average and need a little more attention to detail!
ReplyDeleteI have had my back go out a few times in my life. I understand your frustration. Thinking of you, praying for you!
Thankyou Cricket, and yes I have noticed that my weight makes dr ignore things. It gets annoying!
DeleteI'm so sorry you are in such pain and so frustrated. I am sorry you haven't found the solutions you are looking for. I know your previous experience with PT was not a good one but I would strongly suggest trying again.... PT may not be comfortable and... yes... it may worsen things for awhile. But there may be some value to you going to PT you have not thought of -- the accountability to strengthening exercises, socializing with other people who may be struggling with other physical pain and interacting with others in what may be a low stress environment (low SOCIAL stress) which may really help your anxiety. Any physical therapist worth their salt will tell you that PT is painful,often excruciating, at times... but the ultimate goal is mobility and functionality.
ReplyDeleteThankyou Stephanie. We are planning to pursue PT. I have had good PT and bad PT experiences. The therapist who is kind and involved can make a difference!
DeleteRebecca, I just want to give you a huge (pain-free) hug. And I agree with Cricket (above), keep looking if you are not being heard. So this new doc suggested just physical therapy? Really? For 2 herniated discs? Hmmm. I'm surprised surgery wasn't a recommendation. Is there a chance that the cortisone shots you received awhile back could become routine so you could endure physical therapy and start reclaiming your life? I guess you probably don't want to be reliant on them, but they gave you relief, it might be the way to go? I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are obviously sad, mad, frustrated, feeling helpless. I want to fix it for you and wish I could!
ReplyDeleteHi Karen, I probably should get another shot but I am deathly afraid of needles sooooooooooo yeah. It was hard enough the first time! But it is definitely something I should try to consider. (but needles ugh...) Hugs back!
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