With Mother's day having come and gone I've had a lot of mixed emotions.
I do feel a bit of sadness and envy.
I am jealous of some couples' ability to start their family in an almost "care-free" manner- just a natural step in their relationship. The married couples I know are head-over-heels for each other and can't wait to share their overflowing love with all their precious little ones. When I say "care-free" I'm referring to some couples' ability to get pregnant without much concern or troubles.
If you have been readers of my blog for a while now you know that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (
PCOS) and
Hashimoto's disease. PCOS affects the ability to get pregnant and stay pregnant, while Hashimoto's brings increased risk of miscarriages to the table. Justin and I have not pursued starting a family yet, but with
my new little niece or nephew arriving in December the topic has come up again for us.
In August we will have been married for 4 years. I will be 27 next year. The thoughts of starting a family are becoming more prominent.
BUT- I'm scared.
Trying to start a family is going to be an exhausting and emotional journey for us. It's kinda hard to go into that knowing that I will probably have trouble getting pregnant, and then have trouble staying pregnant. I honestly have no interest in spending years with the emotional distress of not being able to get pregnant, and then spend months of worry if my body will carry a pregnancy full-term if I was ever fortunate enough to get pregnant. I know miscarriage is a common thing, but if getting pregnant was such a hard thing to accomplish in the first place-imagine just how awful it would be to lose the baby afterwards. And with knowing full well that I do have an increased risk of miscarriage the guilt I would feel if I lost my baby would be guilt-ridden. A common thought I struggle with is "Can I truly pursue pregnancy knowing that my body could very well kill my child?"
I do know several women who have had troubles with pregnancy and they are a HUGE encouragement to me. I love them all. I grieved with them during their miscarriages, and rejoiced with them when they FINALLY brought home that precious little one.
If you were blessed with easy conceptions and good pregnancies take a moment and just thank the Lord- and say a little prayer for your sisters who aren't so fortunate.
I know motherhood is a rough task and all of you ladies are AMAZING. I'm thankful for my mom, for my mother-in-law and all the other ladies in my life who have loved me in a motherly way. As the oldest child on 8 kids I have seen how demanding motherhood is and I have a great appreciation for the sacrifices so many people have made.
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I absolutely do not think that fertility issues or miscarriage are shameful. I know some people think it should be hush-hush and not talked about. But honestly that is kind of dumb. I've been scolded by some ladies for talking about my health problems. I don't think I should be embarrassed- so I won't be. I have found so many amazing women because I've talked about my PCOS and Hashimoto's.
If you are struggling with similiar problems- please know you aren't alone.
Love,
Rebecca
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