When I started blogging almost 10 years ago I was an idealistic and naive teenage girl. I had a lot of opinions to share and thoughts to express. Here I am about a decade later in the very last year of my 20s and I have changed quite a bit.
Back then I thought I'd be elbow deep in babies and ministries by the time I was staring 30 in the face.
I didn't expect to learn I had a fertility disease and would start struggling with my faith.
I didn't expect a back injury to affect my abilities so deeply. I didn't expect to struggle against pain while doing a simple task like washing dishes. I didn't expect the depression, panic attacks and just general anxiety. I didn't expect that I would start to question what I believe and why I believe it.
Why have I been gone?
Because I didn't want to admit that I'm not who you think I am.
I'm not that good Christian wife who goes to church every Sunday and reads her Bible everyday.
My home isn't spotless, my husband does the cooking. I try to help when I physically can but its a losing battle. He does the cleaning, the grocery shopping and the laundry. I try and injure myself.
So, that's where I've been.
On a side note (and not to end this post on such a sad note) I still take photos and enjoy photography. I might post some new photos here and there on this blog.
Glad to see your post! I keep coming back to read your blog not because you’re perfect but because you have an interesting way of looking at things and I do enjoy your photography and your way of capturing everyday life.
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with pain and disappointment. It can be so hard when life doesn’t go the way you think it will. I hope you can continue to find small joys even on the hard days. Thanks for sharing just a little snippet of your life with us! Hope you continue to do so...
You are allowed your journey! And good for you for going on it and seeking out your own way - albeit painful at times. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMy 20s did not turn out at all as I expected them to, but I sure learned a lot about myself in the process. And it was often a struggle. You are wise to acknowledge your feelings -- it's YOUR life and it doesn't belong to anyone but you. I hope you will expand more on finding your way!
ReplyDeleteSometimes the internet makes us feel like we have to always put our best foot forward -- but that's how some bloggers end up sounding fake, or worse, orchestrating events in their life to make it look as if they're perfect. This is who you really are, and that's OK. If I was the same person I had been at 19, I'd be deeply embarrassed. The 20s are a time for intense growth and exploration. Things will inevitably change. Your journey is uniquely your own -- don't be afraid to share it.
ReplyDeleteDear Rebecca! After following you for many years (from before you were married, back when you had your old blog), I want to say: I am so glad to read this post. Welcome to the dark side! :) Living your life openly with less rules and more "you" can be painful and challenging but also very fulfilling in the end. I wish you and your husband the best.
ReplyDeleteIt's been while and I've been sort of binge reading your blog, catching up. I've followed you since before you married Justin. You are an amazing young lady with such a beautiful heart and spirit. So much to say to you, but...Let's start with: Stop measuring yourself by other people's yardsticks. Quit using other people's definitions of a "good Christian wife" and "adult" and "success". Religion is a man-made construct. Faith and spirituality are God-based constructs. Religion is about rules and power and order and dogma that humans (men) have constructed to impose order and conformity. Faith and spirituality are about your relationship with God - Whatever form your God takes, whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist...or non-sectarian.
ReplyDeleteOr parents raise us with their ideals and beliefs. As children we are raised to believe this is the way. The right way. The true way. As we grow, we begin to ask questions. From those questions we seek answers that take us down our own paths. It may be a path that differs from that of our parents. It's neither wrong, nor right, just different. Well, perhaps wrong for US, but right for them. And that is okay. Still though, it's hard. It's hard to let go of what we were taught as children. The lessons we were taught. The identity that was given to us that no longer feels right our true or fitting for us. Sorting it all out is hard. Finding answers. How do we know? I mean, there must be one right answer, right? Right? Or maybe not.