Oh My Knee....

Sooo..........................

My left knee has been swollen, stiff and painful to walk on for the past three days. 

I didn't fall or hit it on anything so I am both annoyed and puzzled. Aren't I a wee bit young to be waking with achy joints?? *sigh* 

In other news our 3rd wedding anniversary is coming up :). I am hoping that I will be well enough to celebrate our day. We are planning to visit an Aquarium. I LOVE fish and other underwater mammals and creatures so I am really really wanting to go! I haven't been to an Aquarium since before we got married. 

I love going to pet stores just to watch the fish in their tanks. Fish are so calming. I probably would be alot calmer if I lived in a house built of fish tanks.

What do you like? Aquariums, Museums or Zoos?

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Soo Embarrassing!

Have you ever suddenly noticed a quirk or trait that you have and realized how annoying it must be to other people?? I certainly have! Some of my weird behavior is very embarrassing....and here is a list of them! 

1) Mimicking Accents. 

Hands down this is THE MOST EMBARRASSING thing I do and I do it without even noticing it! 

I watch a lot of Vloggers from around the world and after 3 or 4 videos in a row my speech becomes peppered with their accent. The same thing happens after watching a movie or playing a game where different accents appear. There are so many times I will catch myself and have to mentally correct my speech and mentally figure out pronunciations. It is so annoying. 

2) Repeating Myself.

To anyone who has ever talked to me in person I do apologize. I repeat myself far too many times. Most likely a by product of growing up in a large and loud family. Talking over 9 other people is tough. 

3) Talking Fast/Non Stop

This is an anxiety related habit. When I get nervous I prattle on and on. Awkward silences are the worst and I feel a burden to keep the conversation flowing just to relieve the awkwardness. Needless to say this is why I don't care for parties/social events

4)  Being Over-Invested. 

I place huge stock in relationships, and I do genuinely care about people. (Part of my INFJ personality!) However, when they hurt, I hurt; and sometimes the emotional toll is unbearable. In one week I had a friend experience a miscarriage, another friend having troubles finding a new house, and yet another friend having relationship problems. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck that week. I do want to care, but not to the point where I am miserable all the time. 

5) Having to Be a Perfectionist

This is by far the most damaging in my opinion. This drive to be perfect/do everything perfectly is tiring! My darling husband is helping me a lot to work on this. It is still hard though. I worry that people will see an imperfection and pounce on it and berate me non-stop for having a flaw. Oh, and this trait can drive me crazy with my photography too! lol

Got any advice or thoughts that might help me? Please share! 

Love, 

Rebecca

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Do You Like You?

Grammy Award-winning, singer-songwriter Colbie Caillat released her new EP,Gypsy Heart Side A. Her album’s lead single “Try” makes a powerful statement about beauty ideals.

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I Need My Life Back

I asked Justin to take me to a park yesterday. I wanted to watch the ducks and geese. We saw a momma duck with 4 or 5 little ducklings. They were so very cute to watch. 

I shouldn't have gone to the park though.  The strain on my back was too much and the pain is ridiculous right now. I shouldn't have gone, I know that. But I get SO TIRED of sitting at home and saying " I can't do this, I can't do that," I am so so so very tired of pain owning my life. Should I have not gone to that park? Nope. I shouldn't have. The pain isn't worth it. 

So what now? What am I supposed to do? Do I just resign to a life in bed? Do I spend the rest of my days in fear of my back?? 

We saw a new dr for my back this past week. He suggested physical therapy and that was it. Didn't even discuss the new issue with my upper back hurting so badly. Must I scream and beg to be heard? I don't know. 

I keep hearing about people healing/recovering from this injury but I also keep hearing that its permanent. My poor father-in-law has been dealing with a herniated disc for years now. That the only option is pain management?

For all our technology and claims of modem medicine I get the feeling that either they boast of information they DON'T have or or simply do not care. 

I'm tired of "well try this? Well try that?" NO! I want answers, directions, solutions. Not guesses! Why must I beg and plead and scream to simply know what to do? 

I'm only 25, does that mean that I must live for the rest of my life like this? Is my existence now just meant to be stuck in my home whimpering from pain, too scared to move, too scared to attempt to enjoy life? Do I honestly have to feel guilt from wanting to go to a stupid park just to see some ducks? Do I have to really choose whether to stay home alone every day or risk  a week of severe pain if I choose to just go to a friends wedding? 

Why can't I be involved in life anymore? Why can I not enjoy my passions anymore? Why am I resigned to this stupid bed? Is that all I can do? Can I not hope for better? Am I stupid to want better? 

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Quick Back Update

Just wanted to answer some questions from my readers regarding my back, 

Regarding Surgery: the first doctor to see me said that surgery should be a last resort and that most people regret it. I will be getting a second opinion in a couple days so we will see what this doctor says. I am very nervous about the idea of having surgery done but sometimes it seems appealing with this constant pain.

Regarding Physical Therapy: 

Yes I did do physical therapy for a bit and I couldn't move for several days without severe pain after each session so we had to stop.

My back is still not doing well to the point where typing this out is hard because it hurts to sit up. 

If you want to be a blessing and encouragement please keep me in prayers and leave a little comment. I'd love to connect with more of my readers!! 

Love, Rebecca

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I Can't Do This Again

In just two months time it will be one year since I was diagnosed with two herniated discs in my lower back, and I am still dealing with the daily pain and physical limitations. It's been a very frustrating and at times embarrassing injury to deal with. I can't do as much as I used to and my daily life has to revolve around accommodating the limitations this injury has caused. It's been a struggle to accept the changes I have to make and to be "ok" with this. I often worry that people may judge me for being less active or less social but trust me I would be doing so much more if I physically could. 

A couple days ago I thought to myself, "Wow things have actually been pretty calm lately," 

Apparently I am INCREDIBLY stupid for thinking that because barely 24 hours later I had a sharp pain in my right shoulder. I had been walking across my living room when I felt something weird happen in my upper spine and the sharp burning feeling started. 

Needless to say... I am very discouraged. We have been trying so very hard lately to try to ease me into a more normal way of living and figuring out how to work around the back pain but it feels like it was all for nothing. 

I want to just.... scream I guess. I am so fed up that I keep randomly getting hurt by NOTHING. I don't want to be held prisoner by my physical pain/limitations anymore, I want to start recovering! 

I need prayer dear readers, I am at my wits end with all of this. I want to move forward in my life, but all these injuries make me feel like I am just sitting on the sidelines watching everybody else go by. There is SO MUCH I want to do, that I long to do. I'd be happy just to be able to walk in the store with my husband for goodness sake!

I am going to see a new back doctor next week.

If this upper back/shoulder pain turns out to be something serious I won't be able to do any photography much at all, and its already pretty low as it is. 

Your prayers are much appreciated <3

With much love, Rebecca

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Need prayer. My upper back has been generally sore recently just assumed it was from trying to be more active lately. Today the pain is significantly worse. I'm terrified of herniating yet another disc.

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