Thoughts on Motherhood

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As most of you know I grew up in a large family of ten. I have two sisters and five brothers. I am the oldest at 25 and the youngest is 7. Babies and children were my life. I knew how to care for a newborn at a young age, I helped potty train 4 children before I turned 20. I taught the youngest her letters, reading and more up until I got married and left home. 

After getting married I had a time of literal "freedom" and as much as I adore my siblings it was nice to not have to devote my time and energy to so many little people. I was in absolutely no rush to try to start a family with Justin. 

Fast forward two and a half years later and while I still am in no rush to have children- I do think I am getting closer to wanting to start our family. However- there is quite a few obstacles in my path. 

First off the idea of labor and actually giving birth is TERRIFYING to me. Absolutely and completely terrifying. (mom, how did you do it eight times???) My panic attacks and anxiety gets worse if I feel trapped by a situation and ummm yeah I don't think you can back out of giving birth when you are in labor!

The second problem is my anxiety- how would that affect me as a mom? I certainly don't want my children to ever see me having a panic attack. I also don't want that to affect how I react towards my children or influence decisions. 

The third problem is my health- I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Hashimoto's disease. The PCOS can cause difficulty getting pregnant and the Hashimoto's can cause miscarriages. So in my case not only will I have a hard time getting pregnant I will have a hard time staying pregnant. If I was to miscarry I don't know what toll that would take on me emotionally. I KNOW I am at a higher risk for miscarriage and I would feel like I killed my child. I don't think I could ever handle the guilt. 

Of course my back injury is currently playing a huge concern in all this too. Could my back even handle the burden of a pregnancy? How could I be a mom with a back injury? My back is still healing and I get occasional flare ups when the pain is incredibly bad. I won't be allowed to lift heavy things for a very long time. How does one avoid picking up their toddler??

I know I am still young and there is plenty of time to start a family, but I want to be able to enter that next step in life without crippling anxiety.

So yeah, that's been on my mind a lot lately. 

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The Little Blue Fish

Once upon a time a little baby blue fish swam into my life. A gift from my husband to ease my loneliness and desire for a little friend to care for. We named him "Deedo" and lovingly spoiled him as much as one can spoil a fish. 

As this little blue fish grew older and bigger he started showing off his beautiful colors, the peacock greens and deep reds. His personality of darting around the bowl when he knew it was mealtime was amusing to watch. 

Deedo soon turned 2 and seemed to still be going strong, a few months passed by when quietly in the night my little fish passed away. 

I will miss my little guy so much. I will never forget how much I loved him and how he swam into my heart- even though he was just a little fish.

 Goodbye Deedo. Thankyou for making me happy

Love Me

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Struggles

I haven't been doing the greatest lately with my anxiety. I feel so much pressure in my own mind that I need to change and that I am not acceptable this way. Now no one is making me feel this way it's my own reckless thoughts that I can not reign in. I worry that I am so messed up and broken by my panic disorder that I can't hope to break free of the chains of my anxieties. 

I finally saw Frozen today and I can relate to Elsa so strongly. I feel that I MUST hide my panic attacks and depression. I teared up several times in the scenes where Elsa was terrified and felt trapped by her own self. Something she couldn't escape. I know how that feels. 

I want to hope that someday I can break free of the panic disorder and the depression. But sometimes it seems hopeless- I keep trying to hope. 

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Favorite Vlogger of the Week- Bunny Meyer

For this week's favorites I chose vlogger Bunny Meyer also known on the internet as "Grav3yardgirl" 

She has a very quirky personality with a sense of humor, style and accent to match! She creates 3 to four videos a week on average including make-up and hair tutorials, "Tea Vlogs", unboxing videos and thrift store hauls. Bunny is in her late 20s and is from Texas. 

I first started watching her videos after stumbling upon her "Does This Thing Really Work?" video about a hair accessory called "Hot Buns". She tries out various "As Seen On TV" products to see if they actually work. I found her funny comments and facial expressions endearing and watched more of her videos. 

  

As I watched her videos I learned something else about Bunny that made me love her even more. She also experiences anxiety and panic attacks and talks about her struggles and victories. I have found this so very encouraging and it makes me feel less alone as I too struggle with panic disorder and panic attacks.

I find her videos very enjoyable to watch and I will watch a bunch in a row when I am having a stressful day.  Her charming personality and awesome sense of humor help me relax and unwind.

I also love her adorable kitty too! 

Check out Bunny Meyer at her channel on YouTube 
Grav3yardgirl

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Birthday Celebrating!

We went to my parents to celebrate my birthday a few weeks ago. My mom made me homemade Belgian waffles!! I haven't had home made waffles in 2 years!
As you can tell my siblings were VERY excited about my birthday lol

My family gave me a game- "Scribblenauts: Unmasked". It is a VERY cute puzzle game and I am thoroughly enjoying it.

Chocolate frosting on vanilla cake- so good! 

Rebekah, Sarah and Matt. Sarah is my brother's girlfriend. She gave me a beautiful scarf!

With my adorable husband!

My brother Collin gave me this very cute necklace. It was very sweet of him and I love it so much!

We got together with my in-laws this past week and my mother-in-law made some delicious cheesecake for me. It was very good!

I hope you are all having a good week! It is FINALLY starting to warm up a bit here but we still have quite a bit of snow. I love the early snowfalls, but by now all the snow is dirty and yukky- plus their is sand everywhere. The entry way of our apartment building looks awful and needs vacuuming often.

I am ready for spring but NOT ready for allergies to hit my poor sinuses.

Love, Rebecca

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Recognize Endometriosis as a Disabling Condition- Petition

Hello readers! 

Have any of you heard of Endometriosis? It is a condition that causes the lining of the uterus to grow OUTSIDE of the uterus, and when the monthly cycle begins this lining will shed, but since it has no where to go it just stays in the body continuing to grow and causing considerable pain and discomfort to the woman with this condition. I know a few ladies with this problem and the pain they describe sounds awful. 

There is a petition to the White House for Endometriosis to be recognized as a disabling condition. I have already signed it and I encourage you all to sign it as well! 

Recognize Endometriosis as a Disabling Condition- Petition 

Below is the personal testimony from a young woman who is suffering from Endometriosis. 

"I would like it if you could take a moment of your time to hear this information. March is Endometriosis Awareness Month, and I would like to help spread awareness.

I began having symptoms at age 11, had my first surgery and diagnosis at 15. I am now soon to be 25 and have had 3 more surgeries, numerous hormonal treatments, epidurals, radio-frequency nerve ablation, physical therapy, mindfulness training, acceptance and commitment therapy, and countless other treatments. I’ve tried dietary changes and exercise and everything from there to prescription narcotics.

I love school and graduated high school at age 16. I still don’t have a bachelor’s degree because of issues I’ve encountered with pain preventing me from attending school, and three years ago I had to leave school indefinitely. Some days I can’t get out of bed and either have to be helped to the bathroom or crawl. Other days I can manage to get errands done if I have medication. Every day is a struggle.

This is not ‘just cramps’ I am not imagining it. I am not exaggerating my level of pain. This is real. This disease has caused damage to my heart because of constant intractable pain, medications have damaged my stomach, I grind my teeth in my sleep when I’m in pain to the point I’ve damaged my hearing. I won’t even begin to go into the psychological damage.

Right now Endometriosis is not considered a disabling condition, and anyone who files for disability with only Endometriosis will be denied with no consideration. Even once it reaches the point of ravaging the rest of the body and destroying the mind it is still hardly looked at, and dismissed. Some women have minimal symptoms, that is not the norm. Something else I want you all to realize is that there is no cure for this.

There is no cure.

I ask that you take a few moments to sign this petition before April 4, 2014and try to help gain some recognition for women in tremendous need. To each person who signs this I thank you."    

excerpt from madaranookami.tumblr.com 

Thankyou to all my lovely readers who took the time to sign :) You are the best! 

Love, Becca

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I'm 25???

Hello everybody! 

Thankyou so much for all the birthday wishes! I am so glad you all enjoyed seeing my childhood photos. I am thankful that I have copies of those pictures to share! 

Justin's chocolatey creation for my birthday! It is his version of a lava cake. The base is brownie with dark, milk and white chocolate chips. The second layer is red velvet cake. The top is a semi-sweet chocolate disk with powdered sugar hearts. The cake is frosted withe chocolate frosting. He also made Chocolate Ganache for the "lava" part AND homemade whip cream

The warm ganache melted the chocolate disk to create the "lava" 

It was very good! I am so blessed to have such a creative husband. 

Justin gets a kiss for giving me an awesome birthday! 

I got one back! :)

I am one blessed girl! 

Justin gave me this adorable plush Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon (one of my favorite movies)

a gift card to get Frozen when it comes out on DVD, and a quart of Ben and Jerry's ice cream! 

I had a rough back week so we are hoping once it is a bit better we can actually got out for a birthday dinner like we originally planned. Regardless of my back I had a very nice birthday! 

Love, Becca

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